We’re now mere hours away from the 2014 Golden Globes. And by mere I do mean approximately 70 or so. But put your calculators away because there’s no time for you to do that kind of math. Not when you have to start preparing your body for the only Golden Globes drinking game that’s guaranteed to get you so drunk that you’ll think that you’re just as fun as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Keyword in that sentence is think. Because let’s face it, there’s no way that you’ll ever be that great. But wouldn’t it be cool to be so wasted that you think you’re on that level? I know, we agree.
So here’s your shopping list (keep in mind, this is per person):
- 1 keg
- 2- 7 handles of alcohol that comes in a plastic bottles
- assorted crazy straws
- 1 shot ski
- 5 shot glasses
- a beer bong
- 4 bottles of wine
- all the drugs
- 1 IV Drip
- every gatorade you can buy. Refrigerate for later.
- Emergency contact number and insurance information
Okay, have all that stuff ready? Great, let’s get started.
1. Take a shot every time Tina and Amy come on stage.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. ”B-b-but, they hosting, they’ll be on a lot,” I can hear you whining aloud to your computer. Sorry, these are the rules. As recommended by the American Pediatric Association.
2. Chug a beer whenever Tina and Amy say something that you know will be giffed.
And if you don’t know when something’s going to be giffed, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems and your inability to understand the internet is not one of them.
3. Do a keg stand as soon as you see Jodie Foster. Seriously, right away!
Because if you’re not buzzed when you spot her and subsequently remember her long, rambling speech last year about privacy and Mel Gibson and I don’t even know because I zoned out after the first 30 minutes, you’ll be stuck on a nonstop train to Cringe City.
4. Smoke all your drugs when Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig approach the stage
Because that’s proper protocol when you know you’re about to have your mind blown by their comic genius. Also while you’re at it, just pee your pants. It’s called making a preemptive move.
5. Fill up that shot ski each and every time a celebrity pokes fun at another celebrity.
Fill it up twice if it’s less poking fun and more just straight up insulting. Because that’s when things get exciting!
6. Drink a glass of wine every time that Tina and Amy make up nominees and in the process, make fun of award shows
Because I think we can all agree that last year’s Dog President gave us a major case of the giggles. Also the hope that one day we’ll live in a country where a dog can be president. Or at least a country where the Air Bud franchise can move into the political realm.
7. Put some alcohol in that IV drip and get it going whenever the camera catches a celebrity giving another celebrity a stink eye for winning.
Not that any of them will even come close to Taylor Swift’s infamous stink eye when Adele beat last year. Rumor has it that Adele still has a scar from where that thing hit her.
And by random, I think you know what I mean. TV folk mingling with movie folk. A-list stars chit-chatting with d-listers. Celebs with perfume lines talking to celebs without perfume lines. Basically all the people you never expected to be friendly with each other.
9. Drink a drink of your choice whenever you see a celebrity drinking a drink of their choice.
Just because you’re not rich or famous doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get drunk. Specifically, just as drunk as the celebrities you’re watching on TV. So go on with your bad self and match them drink for drink. After all, what are Monday mornings for if not massive hangovers. And/or waking up in the hospital.