Guys, we’re friends, right? And we can all agree that Ariana Grande is amazing, right? Good. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page, so you wouldn’t judge me for airing a conspiracy theory about Ariana. It involves that ubiquitous ponytail of hers and WHAT SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE HIDING INSIDE IT.
We’re all used to that half-ponytail by now. In fact, people in the office have been heard to wonder if it’s what’s holding her head on. That’s how often she wears it, that we assume her physical health hangs in the balance. But a few days into the new year, like a chance sunbeam piercing the clouds, she put up a photo WITHOUT IT. With her hair COMPLETELY DOWN. It was a 2014 miracle, with villagers rejoicing in the street, cartoon birds swooping down to sit on my finger, and cake pops falling down out of the sky into my waiting mouth. (Please do be careful not to choke though guys, catching cake pop satellites in your mouth is a very dangerous business.)
But anyway, we all took close note of this event, because it was the biggest and most exciting that had ever happened. More exciting than puppies and pie put together. BUT THEN. She deleted it. As quickly as it had appeared, it disappeared. It’s one thing to never wear your hair down again and pretend like that photo never happened, but she deleted it. She erased the evidence, and my brain is spinning off into conspiracy theories including but not limited to:
- Is she under a wizard’s spell?
- Is the ponytail part of a dangerous crime syndicate that she doesn’t dare disobey?
- Is she hiding an AutoTune machine back there?
- Is that where she keeps Justin Bieber‘s career?
- Is this my fault?
- IS MY ENTIRE LIFE AND EVERYTHING IN IT A LIE?
Why can’t you take your hair down, Ariana? Don’t you love us? Don’t you trust us as your fans to love you no matter what grotesque things are happening on the back of your head?
I know this is spiraling out of control, but YOU’RE TEARING US APAAAAARRRTTTTTTT.