The Bachelor returned last night for its eighteenth season, starring the absurdly good-looking, attractively-accented former soccer player and single dad Juan Pablo Galavis, and frankly, I can’t believe it stayed away this long. I mean just looking at the parade of favorable adjectives in that past sentence, you know it’s gonna be a good season, but once I saw the batch of shiny-haired, white-teethed, skintight mermaid-dress-wearing ladies they’d rustled up to tempt him, I was sure.
Because the producers really outdid themselves this year. Last night’s premiere resembled nothing so much as a pack of peacocks strutting around a mansion in LA, drinking champagne and pecking at each other when they couldn’t get the five minutes with the cock that they felt entitled to. It was a total zoo, but an incredibly hilarious one, even if it was unintentionally so. Don’t believe me? Here’s just a smattering of my favorite awkward moments. JUST A SMATTERING.
- When Nikki used the phrase, “I’m a pediatric nurse — like a baby nurse”, to describe her job.
- When Valerie used a bow and arrow in her little promo clip, threatening to sharpen her nails if anyone got in her way, and I was like, “We gotta get this bitch to the Hunger Games.”
- When Lauren S. tried to ride up on a bicycle piano because she loves composing music, but she had not the strength, and Juan Pablo had to go retrieve her.
- When Kylie thought she heard her name at the Rose Ceremony, BUT SHE DIDN’T AND IT WAS THE MOST AWKWARD and she got sent home.
- When Lucy got out of the limo in bare feet because she’s a free spirit. No she’s literally a free spirit. Like that is her job description and she twirls when she walks.
- When Sharleen, the opera singer, was almost like ‘thanks but no thanks’ on that first impression rose.
- When one of the girls, Clare, showed up with a fake pregnancy belly because she’s
ready for kids right awaycrazy.
- When Lauren H. was so distraught about not getting her time with Juan Pablo that she was literally sobbing. SOBBING.
- When the massage therapist, Amy J., gave him a massage with essential oils while he was wearing a suit. And couldn’t stop exclaiming over his body parts.
- When I realized I was already sucked into yet another season of this show after just one episode. Sigh.
But as long as we’re talking, here are my picks for the Top Four. (Even though Sharleen is clearly not gonna hack it, as she’s a normal person on a reality show and thus will have a normal person freak out when she realizes this is totally not her thing and decides to go home, breaking Juan Pablo’s heart. Even though all of that is so clearly true, I’m including her in my list of front-runners anyway, because she is one. OKAY?!?!)
So that makes it: Sharleen, Andi, Chelsie, and Renee. I’ll see you all next week, ladies. You’re my faves.
And tough luck to Alexis, Amy J., Ashley, Christine, Kylie, Lacy, Lauren H., Maggie, and Valerie, who all went home. Them’s the breaks.