Fly all the flags at half-mast today, comrades, for we as a nation have been dealt a great blow. Please sit down and memorize your surroundings for future retellings, for where you are right now is the place you will be when I tell you that Kim Kardashian probably Photoshopped the ass-selfie that she put on Instagram the other day.
THAT’S RIGHT YOU GUYS. And not just one selfie is falling under the cloud of Shop-speculation, but two. I should’ve said that earlier, but I figured the shock would’ve been too jarring on your systems. Seemed more humane to give you an extra sentence or two to adjust. But anyway, yes, sadly, it’s true. I’m referring OF COURSE to the now-ubiquitous posterior photo that she shot standing next to her friend Blac Chyna, a fellow red-blooded American whose ass is doing its patriotic duty by being profoundly large, round, and perky.
But as apt as all those adjectives are, experts* now feel that she may have been fudging the numbers a little bit. WITH PHOTOSHOP. Or…some other photo-manipulation app. These experts point out that if you look on the left-hand side of the photos, it looks like both the floor paneling and the door frame got pretty warped. The floor is more subtle, but I can’t imagine that that door frame exists in real life, unless Kanye West is forcing the two of them to live in a fun house. Which does sound like something he’d do — c’mon.
But as much as it pains me to admit, the more likely scenario is that Kim has just a super super big butt instead of a super super super big one. We must band together as a nation, and we will overcome this betrayal. Go home and be with your families.
*regular people with eyes that can see