I enjoyed the new Lifetime movie The Wrong Woman. Sure, it could have used a little extra cheese here and there to make for a more fun experience, but I mostly liked watching Winnie Cooper get arrested by Steve Urkel and then defended in court by Jerry Gergich while Aaron Samuels looked on. In case you’re not fluent in Pop Culture Reference, that’s Danica McKellar, Jaleel White, Jim O’Heir and Jonathan Bennett. Their characters in this movie also had names, but I’m going to ignore those and just refer to them by the characters they’re famous for. One of my many talents is making sure actors can never escape their most well-known roles no matter how hard they try. Mwahahaha.
The movie starts in a parking garage, so you know something bad is going to happen. Believe me, if you ever see a movie character in a parking garage, they’re either about to be (almost) murdered or they’re meeting a mysterious figure with super secret information about the president. It’s really an either/or situation. So naturally a redhead gets a tire iron to the head by someone in badass boots — but no face.
That’s when we meet Winnie Cooper, a sweet wife/mother/dental hygienist who’s taking secret pole dancing classes to surprise her husband. She learned something called “the butterfly,” and she is VERY excited to tell her co-worker about it. By the way, that co-worker is Jennifer Aspen from the extremely underrated comedy GCB. Another square on your “Hey, I know her” bingo card.
Winnie’s disinterested husband is a cop, and she’s very quick to name drop him whenever she’s in a sticky situation. One of those situations is being pulled over by a lady cop for expired tags. Lady cop says she doesn’t know her husband, and neither do the detectives — one of whom is Urkel — who show up at Winnie’s house to question her in the attack we witnessed earlier. At this point I just assumed that the husband didn’t exist and this whole thing was in Winnie’s head. That is not the case, but you can probably see how I’d think that. By the way, that lady cop will be very important later, because duh.
The cops think Winnie attacked the redhead — who it turns out is an escort — due to all the evidence that ties her to the crime. To make matters worse, Winnie initially lies about her alibi because she’s embarrassed to be taking pole dancing classes. Urkel is extremely offended by what he thinks is her budding stripper career and spends the rest of the movie with a grumpy vendetta against her. For instance, later on the victim regains consciousness and is asked to ID Winnie as her attacker, and Urkel interprets her confusion about her surroundings and sudden headache to be a positive ID. I think maybe his suspenders are too tight.
Winnie is kept in jail to recreate Orange Is The New Black and cry a lot. Her husband comes to visit her, ruining my whole “He’s not real” theory, and he’s more concerned about her pole dancing revelation than the fact that she’s been accused of attempted murder. Lifetime characters always have their priorities straight, don’t they? Too bad he gets the worst lawyer ever to defend Winnie pro bono. But surprise, it’s Jerry Gergich! He’s my favorite character on Parks and Rec and he’s my favorite character here, mostly because he’s a total hack and I love it.