• Fri, Dec 27 - 9:56 am ET

It’s A Good Thing Justin Bieber Retired, Because No One Wants To See His Movie

Justin Bieber Believe posterMan, you guys, talk about a close call! Justin Bieber retired just in the nick of time, because his movie premiered yesterday and nobody went to see it. Well I guess some people did, but only like ten percent of them. Probably the people who haven’t heard yet that he’s out of the game and doesn’t need their support anymore.

Whereas Justin’s last documentary, Never Say Nevermade $12 million on its opening day, his new one, Believe made only $1.25 million. (Isn’t that polite of it to go for such a round number? I love easy math.) But anyway, this was a narrowly avoided problem. I mean, imagine if the movie had come out several days earlier, and there had been this kind of poor turnout while Justin was still ‘all about the art’. That would’ve been devastating.

But luckily, he was already safely retired by then, ambling around a golf course in his visor and white leather diaper pants, or lounging on the beach with a (virgin) daiquiri, just like the other retirees, blissfully out of reach of the news that his movie ranked fourteenth at the box office. Thank goodness he never needs to hear that I, a dyed-in-the-wool fan of Justin, spent Christmas day in a reclining chair at the theater on 84th Street pointed not at a gently-mustachioed Biebs, but at the delightful animated swirlings of Frozenaccompanied by every other toddler in Manhattan.

And if even internet bloggers with a vested interest in the mistakes he makes things he does are abandoning him, then thank goodness he’ll never know how quickly the rest of the Beliebers were out of there. Someone tell his orderly at the nursing home to make sure nobody brings him a copy of the paper.

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  • Josie

    Alexis! Quick! Go back and proofread this piece!

  • Melody Max Williams

    dumb some people maybe didn’t have money to go. and he’s not retireing it was a joke