• Thu, Dec 26 - 8:56 am ET

Miley Cyrus Makes The World’s Most Repetitive Sex Tape In Her ‘Adore You’ Video

Miley Cyrus Adore You video

Professional eyebrow-raiser Miley Cyrus got even closer to fulfilling her 2013 quota for raised eyebrows when she posted a teaser on Instagram for her new “Adore You” music video earlier this week. You know, the teaser that featured shots of her reaching into her underpants, presumably to masturbate. The video was set to premiere online today, to avoid stealing Jesus’s thunder on his birthday, I would imagine. But as music videos are wont to do, it was leaked early by some “fuck face.” That’s Miley’s affectionate nickname for them, keep in mind.

You’re probably very interested to learn how the video compares to the teaser. Is there more masturbation? Does anyone else appear in the video with her? Does it turn into a parody of Paranormal Activity halfway through (my hope)? Well, I hate to disappoint you, but none of those things happen. It pretty much consists of Miley making a homemade sex tape by herself under the covers. According to Miley Cyrus, this is how you make a sex tape:

1. Writhe.

2. Awkwardly touch your body.

3. Kiss things.

4. Repeat.

That’s pretty much it. There’s no naked wrecking ball riding or hammer licking. Just Miley under the covers with a camcorder doing the same three things and lip-sycning to her song. Plus a few bathtub shots. There are parts when I’m pretty sure she’s on the verge of falling asleep. And we don’t even get to play my favorite game “Was That a Nipple?” because I’m pretty sure said nipples are being blurred out under a see-through bra. At one point she sticks her thumb in her mouth like she’s performing a cheek swab for a DNA test.

I don’t know about this, guys. I think Miley might finally be losing her edge. There are only so many things a person can do to shock the masses before they get totally exhausted and can’t even leave their bed to make their next music video. I get it, Miley. Sometimes we all need a nap.

(GIF: Tumblr)

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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