• Thu, Dec 26 - 5:04 pm ET

Here’s What I Learned From All The (NSFW) Fanfic The Internet Has To Offer

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So instead of doing something normal at Crushable to get ready for Christmas, we decided to be a little more nontraditional. Which is how we came to start the 12 Days Of Sexual Fanfic, and I how I came to be uncomfortably familiar with twelve different categories of fan fiction on the internet.

And as much as we can all agree that that’s an obstacle to being a functioning human in the world, there are good parts too. Or, one good part anyway — the part where I tell you what I’ve learned from this experience so you don’t have to go through the same thing yourself to figure it out.

Because even with all the images I can’t unsee and phrases that won’t get out of my vocabulary (‘untouched diamond’ was a real gem, no pun intended), there are some things to be learned from the NSFW materials that I pilfered through. Namely, that not all smut is created equal, so why don’t you let me lay out the differences for you. With an example excerpt each, just so I’m not the only one who’s read them.

YOU’RE WELCOME EVERYBODY. Caution: smut ahead.

1. Justin Bieber

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“Scream bitch, scream!” he shouted grabbing my waist.
“It’s your fault (y/n)! We should have done this in a sweet, soft way, but you messed up!”

1djbdirtyimagines

The fanfic out there about Justin wins the dubious honor of being Most Violent. A lot of the stuff I found isn’t even gently aggressive, it’s downright scary.

2. Ariana Grande

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Cat shook her head, waves of red hair falling to touch Jade’s cheeks and in a surprised inhale Jade could smell her, could really smell her, and for a moment she has so pissed that she had nearly died without smelling Cat one more time, without kissing her.

“Kiss me, Cat. Please.”

Cat didn’t have to be asked twice, pressing her mouth hard against Jade’s. Jade’s lips were numb at first and it was hard to get her brain to react but eventually she was kissing her back, hands holding tight to Cat’s cheeks. It felt like ages since she had kissed her, touched her, smelled her…

amberpire

I could’ve probably predicted this, since Ariana’s on so many shows, but her stuff was definitely the Most Scripted, because it was always going along with the plot of iCarly or Sam & Cat or Victorious, like the one above. Really high production value.

3. Twilight

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“Bella, do you want me to come get you?” Edward was starting to feel unsecured. I could see it in his eyes.

“I’ll come Edward. I am just enjoying the view,” I said and what a view! His sparkly candy penis was full erect and most definitely cold, unlike Jacob’s long warm cock. No. I did it again. Why was I still comparing penises?

leeluh

This may surprise you, but weirdly enough, Twilight smut is easily the Most Hilarious that I came across. I love the verbs, the nouns, the pairings. It’s all amazing and very unintentionally funny. (Sparkly candy penis!!!)

4. Demi Lovato

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Demi slammed open the bedroom door & pushed Naya inside, eager to please her as she’d wanted to all day. As Naya laid back on the bed, Demi jumped on top of her & gently began planting delicate kisses all down her neck. All Naya could do was lay there & enjoy this moment. Demi’s lips gently & slowly moved up toward Naya’s; Their mouths finally meeting & their tongues becoming intertwined. Demi tore off her top & quickly did the same to Naya’s before gently reaching round & unhooking Naya’s bra. Demi slowly removed her lips from Naya’s and began to move down her body. Her lips & tongue caressed every inch of Naya’s body while she carefully reached down and unzipped her pants. Demi had 1 thing on her mind.

wattpad

Demi wins the title for Most Lesbian Encounters. Apparently that’s what the Lovatics fantasize about most when they start writing about their idol.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch

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As he presses into you, taking his time, each inch causes new groans to fly from both of you. Ecstasy is plain on his features, and he leans down to whisper “Alright, darling?” Nodding, you kiss him and arch up, wanting him sheathed in you fully. His hands grasp your hips as he finally plunges all the way inside. Neither one of you move at first, simply adjusting and enjoying this first union. Slowly he finally begins to rock against you, shallow thrusts that still cause your eyes to roll back as you moan. “Just perfect,” he rasps, the thrusts slowly deepening. One of his gorgeous hands moves up, cupping and kneading your breasts gently. The gasp that comes from you makes him grin that impossible smile, happy in the knowledge that he’s pleasing you.

phantomserenity

Not to be outdone by the younger and less experienced fanfics, I’ll be damned if the stuff by the Cumberbitches isn’t the Most Grammatically Correct that I’ve ever come across. (Put not intended. I didn’t I didn’t I swear I didn’t.)

6. The Hunger Games

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Cris sat in his office, watching as each District reaped their tributes for this year’s games.  He hated his job but it was one he was good at.  He had been personally selected from District Three back when he was a child, raised in the Capital education system to make him the ultimate Gamemaker.  And his Games were unlike anything Panem had ever seen.

Name after name was called on his screens as he made final notes for things to take care of before the event started.

Glancing up, he caught sight of one boy and his breath catch.  That boy, that beautiful boy.  He needed to survive.

Nothing else mattered but that boy and seeing a victorious look on his face.

quartermastersearlgrey

There are a ton of fringe characters in the books and movies who don’t get a ton of face time, like the other tributes, and their involvement in the Hunger Games fanfic wins them the title of Most Obscure.

7. Taylor Swift

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Too soon the song ended, but their favourite part of the night started, however if asked they would deny. [Ed Sheeran] wrapped his arms around her closely, her guitar poking his stomach, her blonde curly hair in his face. But he didn’t mind being choked by her, or her hair in his face. He yearned for her petite, hugging arms. He yearned for them being together. He yearned for writing another song together and ending up kissing on the floor. He yearned for her love, for her, for everything about her.

loveontheninthcloud

She’s a beautiful girl, but maybe because she’s so asexual in everybody’s mind, fanfic about her was very difficult to find, and even when I did find it, it was the Least Appealing of any other celebrity’s out there.

8. One Direction

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it was a friday night, you and your bestfriend harry made your way to the 1d house. it was a huge mansion and you loved being together with the band. they were hilarious and fun to be around. you entered the door, it was dark. the curtains were all closed and you couldn’t see a thing.

“harry? what is this?” you asked quietly without moving anymore, you were scared. “don’t be scared (y/n).. we’ve planned this a while a go you know. we want to sleep with you (y/n).”

thefanction

There is of course a certain about of Larry Stylinson stuff, but in general, if you want to be involved with your fanfic on a POV level, the 1D stuff is my pick for Most Interactive.

9. Miley Cyrus

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Miley spoke with her mouthful “I’m sorry”

my hand traveled to the back of miley’s head, positioning her mouth against my groin and slowly pursing every inch of my thick shaft inside her mouth.

My head naturally dipped back, releasing short breathes. “you can stay, but we’re going to have different rules”

miamfanfics

I was kind of dreading getting to Miley, because I figured it’d be the filthiest, but it was actually mostly her and Liam Hemsworth having loving, engaged person sex with each other (a category known as ‘Miam’), so I voted it Most Surprising. That said, I made sure to dig up excerpts that were still NC-17, so sorry about the quote above.

10. Harry Potter

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Then they both pressed against him, one to his back and the other at his front. Both Weasley twins were taller than Harry, their bodies strong and muscled. Harry shuddered in delight. Hands slid teasingly down his back, tracing the planes of his shoulder blades and the bumps of his spines. Harry found himself worried about how thin he was. Those hands reached the small of his back and then slid apart, cupping his arse and kneading. Harry moaned.

slashpervert

Definitely Most Disturbing. BRB, gotta bleach my childhood.

11. Selena Gomez

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“You are my present,”she took the box out of the box. Then, got on one knee,”Selena. Honestly, you make my day brighter. You are an angel sent from heaven. I don’t know what I would do with out you. I love you and please, I am begging you. Selena Gomez will you marry me and become Selena Lovato,”I smiled through the tears. And it wasn’t just the tears I had stored back from when I was in the military.
amazing-things-now

I don’t know how she is in real life, but in the minds of Selenators, Selena is the opposite of a take charge lady. In fact, I feel pretty comfortable labeling her Most Submissive.

12. Smosh

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Ian wasn’t sure what happened, but suddenly his lips were on Anthony’s, mouths open and tongues pushing together insistently, hands grasping roughly at one another, anywhere they could reach. Anthony rolled his hips up against Ian’s, and Ian moaned into the kiss, tugging at Anthony’s bottom lip with his teeth. Ian was hard already; if he was honest with himself, he hadn’t had sex in over a year, not unless a drunken blowjob from some girl in a bar bathroom counted, and even that was months ago.

usrnamesarecool

Most Predictable, for sure. And there’s no shame in that! You guys just know what you want, and what you want is for Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox to hook up. Every. Time.

Share This Post:
  • Alana

    By the way, slash does not refer to any sexual fanfiction. It refers only to fanfiction between two men (or two women- femslash). That’s actually a kind of an important distinction. Slash is gay.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Oh this is good to know, thank you! Sorry for the error!

  • http://maitribathbody.com/ Maitri

    Ok so I’ve been looking for some naughty fanfic and haven’t been able to find any. Which is the best site?

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It depends on what type you’re looking for.

    • http://maitribathbody.com/ Maitri

      Naughty het for the most part. I checked out fanfiction.net but they’ve apparently done a purge of all the smutty goodness.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It should definitely still be there. You just have to look at the ratings. M, MA, and K+ are all dirty, I believe.

    • CrazyLogic

      adult-fanfiction.org (NSFW in the slightest) is one dedicated to it…

      What, why are you all staring at me?

    • http://maitribathbody.com/ Maitri

      Thanks all :)

  • CrazyLogic

    Real person fanfic kind of creeps me out. Fanfic about the characters they play? Fine, go wild, but when it gets about the actors…

    It just bugs me then.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Kinda weird, right? It’s so personal.

  • Amy

    Crazy fandoms always yield crazy NSFW fanfic. If you want to add to this, I suggest you look into Teen Wolf. The fandom’s OBSESSED with two of the male characters getting together (see also: Supernatural). One day, someone posted things about them on my Tumblr feed, & I got lost in a tumblr deep dive trying to understand what the post was about. My eyes cannot unsee the things I saw that day, and my mind feels like it will never be clean again. Seriously, these fans have dirty DIRTY minds.

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