Everything This Jew Knows About Christmas, She Knows From The Movies

Merry Christmas! That’s what you say, right? I’m just kidding, I know I’m right. Because even though I’m Jewish (go ahead and ask me my Bat Mitzvah theme in the comments), I’ve watched enough movies in my day to figure out how this whole Christmas thing works. In fact, I’ve learned so much over the years that I figured it was about time I compiled a list. You know, in case there’s anyone who doesn’t believe in my Christmas Movication.

1. Santa works in department stores in his off time 

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If there’s one thing I know about Santa, it’s that he’s a workaholic. When he’s not up in the North Pole overseeing elves and implementing the Rudolph anti-bullying program, he’s working at a department store. Which one? Well that always changes. Just know that if you pull Santa’s beard and it doesn’t come off AND he knows one too many personal things about you, he’s the real deal.

2. Parents will do anything, ANYTHING, to get their kids what they want

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With the exception of cold-blooded murder, parents will do just about anything to get their kids the gifts they want. ANYTHING. (Okay fine, this lesson’s adapted from Black Friday news coverage I saw where I learned adults will do anything to get adults what they want.)

3. Against ALL calendar odds, sometimes Christmas falls on Halloween 

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Look, I’m no calendarologist, but sometimes it happens! Dates work in mysterious ways.

4. The North Pole’s just a quick train ride away

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And get this, sometimes the train picks you up right outside your house. Can you believe it? It just stops right in your backyard on the train tracks you never noticed and lets you hop right on. Don’t worry about your (non-believing) parents, they won’t wake up until you’re safely tucked back in bed.

5. Christmas fixes all family problems 

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Even if your family’s a total and complete mess, the Christmas spirit will go inside each and every one of their bitter souls and fix everything. So it doesn’t matter if everyone’s fighting on Christmas Eve about silly things like fathering an elf and failing to tell your family, everyone will most definitely be all lovey-dovey by the time the presents get unwrapped the next day. But be aware that on December 26th, everything goes back to normal.

6. Santa exists wherever a precocious child lives 

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If you ever run into an overly precocious child right before Christmas, know that Santa’s not far away. Especially if you’re inside a movie and the child has an adorable lisp.

7. Santa remembers every gift that every child wanted

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I suppose it shouldn’t surprise us that the man who can fly around the world in one night can also recall every single gift that every single child ever wanted. Including, but not limited to, the children on the naughty list.

8. Santa spends an inordinate amount of time trying to convince non-believers that he’s real

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When Santa’s not busy at the North Pole making gifts and making lists, he’s busy making believers out of non-believers. This guy gets a real genuine thrill out of making cynical children and cynical adults believe in him as well as the magic of Christmas. And according to the movies, his success rate’s at about 100%. Not too shabby for a guy who wears the same outfit every single day.

9. You can steal Christmas, but you’ll regret it 

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So turns out that you can steal Christmas. Just straight up take it away from a whole town. But you will regret it. Because not only is it illegal to steal a holiday, but it’s also unethical. Even though you’ll feel great about yourself in the moment, you’ll eventually start feeling emotions. And once that happens, you’re screwed. So before you do that, make sure to google empathy and see if that’s something you want to deal with in your every day life.

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