Christmas is but one day away, so between frantically shopping for those last two or twelve things you forgot to get earlier in the season, you should be spending some serious brain power deciding what it is that you want. I’m not gonna go so far as to say that The Secret is real, but it can’t hurt to send some powerful vibes out into the universe, right?
And while I can’t help you with the vibes in your personal life because I’m too busy hoping for a Vizsla that doesn’t shed, bark, cause allergies, or need to go outside during the day when I’m not home, I can assist you with something else. And that something else is pop culture presents. Those things you want from your favorite celebrity but never get because your wishing powers aren’t strong enough. I think if we all band together, we can create a force powerful enough to make these things happen, and the movement starts today.
So here are the twelve things I want most from the celebrity world in 2014. Hope you’re taking notes, Pop Culture Santa.
1. The Joe Jonas sex tape
This is probably the most unlikely thing on the list, so I put it first just to make sure it’s a top priority. We’ve been hearing about this supposed sex tape with Joe’s girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler since March, when it was supposedly a sure thing. The band isn’t even together anymore, so can we just see it already?
2. The Gwyneth Paltrow exposé
There was supposed to be an incredible takedown of Gwyneth in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, reportedly detailing her rumored affair with Jeff Soffer, but Gwynnie summoned her army and squashed it. It just kept not coming out and not coming out, and then one day the Vanity Fair editor-in-chief Graydon Carter came right out and said it wasn’t going to at all. BUT I WANT IT.
3. The Arrested Development movie
Let’s get while the getting is hot, y’know? We’re coming off a highly successful (in my opinion) season four of the show, with a supposed fifth season in the works, so why not make it a big push into the movie that we’ve been hearing about for literal years?
4. Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson to date
Enough already. It needs to happen.
5. Adele to release a third album
I’ve been very patient this whole time, but your last album was called 21 and you’re twenty-five now, so bring it on! (Please.)
6. Benedict Cumberbatch to win an Emmy
Unless you’ve watched Sherlock at least once through, you don’t even get to contest this one. It’s long overdue.
7. A TimberBreak
Justin Timberlake, I love you, but we need some time off from one another, just so we can get the magic back. Just pump the Timberbrakes on the double albums, the tenures on talk shows, and the multiple appearances on Saturday Night Live in the same twelve-month period, and I’ll be much happier to see you again once 2015 rolls around. I promise.
8. Chris Brown to go to jail
For any of the myriad offenses he’s been racking up since beating up Rihanna in 2009. Jail’s the only place for him, and it’s time we figured that out.
9. Tina and Amy’s kids to end up together
This one’s a little premature, considering Tina’s daughter Alice is only eight, but YOU GUYS. Tina has two girls and Amy has two boys. It’s fate. Start wishing now, so we can have a lot of good mental vibes saved up by the time we’re fifteen years down the line.
10. Amanda Bynes to go on Chelsea Lately
This one’s super specific to me, because I was so bothered by the way Chelsea Handler treated Amanda’s mental health issues earlier this year, but I would love for Amanda to be far enough in her recovery that she could go on the show and take Chelsea to task for her flippant attitude. Dream big.
11. Jennifer Aniston
Sweet God of Celebrity, please send her a wedding and a baby this year, if only because I can’t stomach another news cycle of the ‘Jennifer, Barren And Alone’ headlines. And if I can’t stand it, I can’t even imagine how it makes her feel. Rumors are suggesting that Jennifer and Justin Theroux are gonna break up before the New Year, and that’s fine, just please let her be happy, oh Lord of Pop Culture In The Sky.
12. For Beyonce to release an album!
And you guys! Miracles really do come true, because the last thing on my list was for Beyonce to release that album she’s been working on for so long AND THEN IT HAPPENED. Miracles are real, everyone! You just have to believe!