What do you think the odds are that Miley Cyrus will ring in 2014 by pulling a complete 180 and becoming a nun? It would certainly shock us, and Fox News would get at least a few weeks’ mileage out of it. At this point it seems like her only option, since we’ve pretty much seen everything else we could see from her in 2013. Oh wait, scratch that. She has yet to post a grainy video of herself masturbating. I guess she can’t call 2013 a success after all. What’s that, you say? Miley has posted a grainy video of herself masturbating? She did it this very weekend? Well joy to the world!
Yes, my friends, she finally did it. Humping giant teddy bears and foam fingers at the VMAs wasn’t graphic enough for Miley, so she just filmed herself sticking her hand down her underwear and posted it on Instagram for all to see, prompting plenty of media outlets to use euphemisms like “self-pleasure” and “gets handsy.” Before I show you the NSFW video in question (if you haven’t already broken your mouse by excitedly scrolling down to watch it, perv), allow me to provide some context.
Last Friday Miley shared the first preview for her “Adore You” music video. It featured what appeared to be self-shot footage of herself rolling around half naked under the covers staring seductively into the camera. What else is new? But then over the weekend she shared another preview, this time featuring a suggestive shot where she reaches into her underpanties. Unless she lost her keys or her contact lens or her dignity down there, I think we all know what she’s about to do. She did recently say she liked being by herself, so…
The full music video premieres on Vevo December 26th, because I guess even Miley Cyrus is against posting masturbatory music videos on Jesus’s birthday. Am I the only one hoping this found footage sex tape thing turns out to just be a side-splitting parody of Paranormal Activity? Maybe? Is there a chance? Hello?