• Sun, Dec 22 - 3:00 pm ET

Charlie Sheen Rants About Phil Robertson, Forgets His Own Moral Compass Points South

Charlie Sheen Cigarettes

Sigh.  I could have easily lived the rest of my life without knowing about Phil Robertson‘s very serious preference for vaginal intercourse.  Really.  I never once asked myself what the cast of Duck Dynasty may think about my ladyjunk or looked to them for political or religious guidance in any way, so I certainly never considered Charlie Sheen‘s opinion on Phil Robertson’s opinion.  Ever.

Unfortunately for me and actual poets everywhere, Charlie Sheen once again took to his Twitter account and wrote an EIGHT STANZA poem about the matter at hand.  I certainly won’t be pasting the entire monstrosity here, because I wouldn’t want to plagiarize such a work of art, but I will let you in on enough of the rant to get the gist:

hey Mallard brained
Phil Robertson!
you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine,
who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do.
well news flash
shower-dodger,
I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
so,
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off,
you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media
beat down.
(I’ll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you)

The good news is that Charlie Sheen is very passionate about fighting homophobia.  The bad news is that nothing Charlie Sheen ever says or does can or will be taken seriously, and to fight ignorance with ignorant labels and derogatory name-calling is doing absolutely no service to anyone.  He goes on to talk about bull weevils and “an army of scabies”, but I refuse to explain or analyze the mind of the “MaSheen” any further.  Because he’s abusive to women, a total masochist, and doesn’t have custody of his own children.  He clearly gives exactly zero shits about that whole “people in glass houses” thing.

Which brings to mind only one thing left to say: Mr. Sheen, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Hough, OUT.

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  • StarNerd

    Your last paragraph though!