6. The police, again
The police — who have already been told there’s a childless 8-year-old in the neighborhood — give chase to Kevin for shoplifting the toothbrush outside the store, but then give up after a few seconds. Because running is the worst.
7. The pizza boy, again
If you’re ever delivering pizza and a 1920s mobster threatens you from inside the house with what sounds like a machine gun, go to the police. I know that sounds like a no-brainer but based on the fact that the cops didn’t show up with the SWAT team ten minutes after this went down, it seems like the pizza guy just shrugged it off.
8. The creepy neighbor
Yo dude, use some context clues and realize that there’s something off with the fact you keep running into your 8-year-old neighbor around town without his parents. Sure it’s offensive when he runs away from you like you’re the boogeyman’s ugly stepfather, but maybe head to the local police station and let them know. Maybe hearing about this 8-year-old orphan for the 3rd time might get them moving.
So Kevin approaches this guy late at night. He’s alone. Again, he’s 8 and he looks to be about 8. 9 if we’re being generous. His wish from Santa? TO GET HIS FAMILY BACK. How many red flags must this kid throw up. I know you’re off duty, but take a sec and talk to this kid and find out what he means by “I want my family back.”
10. The grocery store clerk
Again we’re dealing with a lazy clerk who senses something’s not right, but fails to do anything. “Hey kid, where’s your Mom? You know what? Don’t say nothing. I know you’re lying. Okay. Goodbye.”
11. The Wet Bandits
Guys, this kid’s clearly got a pretty twisted brain. Don’t encourage his sociopathicness by continuing to attempt to get into his house. In fact, you can do him a solid by just backing off his house and not rewarding him for being a monster. Everything he becomes in the second movie is because of you.
12. The police, again
WHO DO YOU THINK CALLED YOU ABOUT THE WET BANDITS? Could it be the 8-year-old who lives in the house across the street that you were told was all alone in his home?! Maybe, just maybe, you should check on that house and see if the kid’s okay. I mean, these guys are pretty badly messed up — they’re missing teeth, covered in feathers, smelling like fire etc. Why not ask around the neighborhood and see if you can figure out who did that to them? Because they obviously did not mutilate themselves. Oh wait, these cops are IDIOTS.
13. His parents, again
They do it again. Even though you’d think they’d keep closer tabs on their baby boy who they left at home a mere two years ago. In fact, you’d think the whole family would be keeping a close eye on the kid considering that it’s Christmas and crowded and the last time they didn’t pay attention they left him home alone. But nooooo, they once again forget to keep tabs on him and lose him. This time, in a city. WORST PARENTS EVER.
You can read more movie reviews from the ’90s and ’00s by checking out Retro Reviews.