I watch Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Cray Cray Pigeon Lady every single holiday season. Not Home Alone 3 however. I’m a traditionalist. You can throw all the sequels and squeakquals you want at me, but they best have the same lead actor.
Like many people I noticed a few years back that there were a few problems with Home Alone. Or I guess just one big one, Kevin McCallister is a sociopath. A deviant 8-year-old who’s able to concoct a murder trap way, way too easily. And keep in mind, this was before the Internet. Every single idea he has in the movie comes from his own twisted little head. While I’m more than happy to talk about that in depth, I think there’s a much bigger problem at hand. And that’s all the adults in Kevin’s life who completely fail him during his time of need.
1. The pizza boy
If only this guy would’ve brought more cheese pizza, there wouldn’t have been massive amounts of kitchen chaos. And if there hadn’t been massive amounts of kitchen chaos, Kevin never would’ve gotten banished to the attic and forgotten on vacation.
2. The McCallisters
Okay, I know they have a bushel of children, but forgetting the BABY of the family at home is inexcusable. They can blame the alarm clock all they want, but there’s no good reason to leave an 8-year-old at home. And fine, let’s pretend that they actually got to the airport without him. How did they not notice he wasn’t with them? Who was supposed to sit next to him on the plane? Strangers? I bet they totally sat their 8-year-old next to strangers. That would be a classic McCallister move.
3. The airlines
Ummm can these people show a little sympathy for the child who’s home alone because of his shitty parents and at least see if any passengers will give up their seats? Throw in a free flight somewhere else or something.
4. The policeman sent to check on Kevin
This guy knocks like twice and then gives up. Which is weird because he was told there’s a small child staying alone in the house. While I know the Chicago cops thought Mama McCallister was crazy, they could’ve investigate a little closer and like, maybe said “Kevin your mom sent me to make sure you’re okay.” Unless of course the Chicago PD frequently get pranked by “parents” trying to locate their “children” over the holidays.
5. The store clerk and Jimmy
Don’t you find it slightly suspect that there’s a child buying toiletries in a store all by himself. And don’t you find it more suspect that he shoplifts a toothbrush. The shop owner (who we’ll call Bev because she looks like a total Bev) sends Jimmy to go get him. But Jimmy’s all like “no. come. back. or. don’t.”