You know that thing when you discover two things that go together perfectly and you can’t believe you’ve ever been satisfied with them separately? (Probably like what the first person ever to eat PB&J felt like, if I had to guess.) Well that’s the feeling I just got when I saw Zach Galifianakis as Santa Claus in this clip from the IFC show Comedy Bang Bang.
It’s just one of those things that I never knew I wanted, but now that I have it, you’re gonna have to pry it out of my cold dead fingers if you want it back. Or just wait until I fall into a Christmas food-coma. That could work too.
But anyway, Zach was in full sleazy Santa mode for his appearance, in which he revealed a lot of potentially disturbing facts about that jolly old elf. For one thing, he’s a little more business-minded than any of us could’ve possibly imagined, which is slightly disappointing. Apparently back in the seventies, he put together a committee to decide if his team should deliver presents to other planets in addition to ours. But they found out it wasn’t cost-effective so they just DIDN’T DO IT. Think of all those little Martian toddlers left empty-handed because Santa didn’t want to blow a few more trillion dollars on delivering toys, an operation with absolutely zero profit margin. Heart-breaking.
He also has a pretty…ahem…unique way of acquainting himself with new babies to give himself a head start on figuring out if they’re naughty or nice. I’ll let him tell you about himself, mostly because the thought of grumpy Zach Galifianakis watching your parents everytime they have sex is much funnier coming out of his mouth than it is coming out of mine.