Justin Bieber must have gotten a glimpse of my Christmas list for this year and noticed that my number one request for Santa is “Justin Bieber retiring.” And then he must have decided to play a cruel joke on me. He told Power 106 in Los Angeles that he would be retiring after his next album Journals — to be released next Monday. Could it be? Could our national nightmare really be over as soon as Monday, just in time for Jesus’s birthday? It would be an absolute miracle, but it would be much too good to be true, right? Right.
After the world began dancing in the streets and rejoicing that we’d never have to look upon those diaper pants again, TMZ asked Bieber’s camp whether this was all true. And then they crushed our dreams, explaining that it was just a joke. Then they added insult to injury by explaining, “The kid’s got ambition.” Cue any movie clip ever of someone shouting “NOOOOOOOO!” in slow motion. You have a lot to choose from.
What a mean joke all around. It no doubt terrified Beliebers who were hoping their idol would be performing nonstop until his tattoos are saggy, and it got non-Beliebers to throw unnecessary celebration parties only to discover that they blew up all those balloons for nothing. Congratulations, Bieber. You managed to disappoint the entire world in one way or another. What else is new?
But if we’re being completely honest here, I knew he was joking the whole time, because clearly Bieber doesn’t know how not to be in the spotlight. Also I’ve heard about enough Cher farewell tours to know that retirement never sticks in Hollywood. But based on the video of Bieber making the so-called “joke,” I think he might want to go back to comedy school. Or at least take a sarcasm class. Was 30 Rock right when it suggested Canadians don’t understand sarcasm? Because this is some weak sarcasm in this here video. Go ahead and watch for yourself, and don’t mind me. I’ll just be over here coming to terms with the fact that God doesn’t exist.