I know you’ve all been stressing about what to get me for Christmas, so I wanted to set your minds at ease and tell you what it is I really want: more celebrity fakelationships. There’s nothing I love more in the whole world than a coupla famous people platonically snuggling up to each other and hoping that the internet buys it.
It’s a pretty common thing, actually, the fakelationship, and it has many storied uses. Sometimes it’s employed between an A-Lister and a B-Lister in order to boost the latter’s career, sometimes the stars of a TV show or movie franchise start ‘dating’ in real life to get people invested, and sometimes people just need an old-fashioned beard, y’know? Even though it’s 2013, we unfortunately live in a world where people still worry that coming out might ruin their career. (Just ask Lance Bass – he’s been very vocal about how many closeted celebrities he knows, and he would really love you to care.)
But anyway, no matter the reason behind them, this past year was rife with fakelationships or PR-relationships or faux-lationships, or whatever you want to call them. It was a banner year for people pretending to be a real thing, ergo it was also a banner year for me enjoying the hell out of it.
So here they are, folks: the 11 Most Believable Fakelationships Of 2013.
1. Nina Dobrev and Derek Hough
(Photo: Adriana M. Barraza / WENN.com, Josiah True / WENN)
Nice try, you guys. These two were linked after Nina broke up with her longtime boyfriend (and Vampire Diaries costar) Ian Somerhalder, and I called them out right away. You’re both undoubtedly very nice people, but just because you and Julianne Hough hang out all the time, Nina, doesn’t mean you can pretend to start dating her professional-dancing, rumored-to-be-gay brother Derek and not expecting a snarky blogger like myself to point at it and say, “Um?” These two called it off after approximately six weeks and thirteen vengeful comments from suprisingly rabid Dancing With The Stars fans who really don’t want Derek to be gay.
2. Lea Michele and Cory Monteith
Definitely the most tragic pairing on the list, in light of Cory’s untimely death in June from heroin overdose, but there had been rumors for years already that these two weren’t a real couple. Allegedly they were friends in real life, but they were paired up romantically by producers hoping to capitalize on the showmance happening on Glee between their characters Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson and to keep people watching.
3. Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse
MY FAVES. Until you’ve seen the photos of these two cavorting in a park in France, you haven’t lived. Please, gaze upon them and try to tell me that this 38-year old actor and 21-year old British model had ever touched each other before being captured in these photographs. You can’t do it. But what you can do now is put a face to the name Suki Waterhouse, which is something none of us could do before she started fake-dating Bradley.
4. Taylor Swift and Harry Styles
(Photo: Pacific Coast News)
RIP Haylor. After one extremely high-profile Central Park Zoo date and a PG public kiss in Times Square on New Years Eve last year, these two vanished back into the ether to go be famous separately, having boosted each others’ images significantly. They were probably only ‘together’ for about thirty seconds of 2013 (or even a full minute if you count the time that their spit lasted in the other person’s mouth), but it was an important milestone in fakelationship history, so it stays on this list.
5. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
Okay I love fakelationships, but even I have to say enough to this one. ENOUGH. These two have probably single-handedly sold more magazines than I will ever even set eyes on in my life, so why not call it a day, huh? We’re not trying to sell the Twilight movies anymore, so at some point everybody has to acknowledge that these two aren’t household names when they aren’t together. The constant will-they-won’t-they only works to a certain point, and then I want to tear my hair out. THEY WON’T, and it’s not because fate is cruel or R-Pattz can’t forgive K-Stew. It’s because they were never goddamn together in the first place. Cripes.