Look, I know from firsthand experience that things move slower in the South. That mostly applies to the pace at which shoppers walk through the mall on peak shopping days (MOVE!), but also to other aspects of life. And I know that movies about the South typically reflect that easy-going approach to everyday life. But for the love of Santa Claus, why was the new Lifetime movie Christmas on the Bayou so boring? It was like watching real uninteresting people go about their real uninteresting lives with a little bit of half-assed Christmas magic thrown in for good measure, and zzzzzzzzzzzz. Let’s talk this out and try to bring a little life to the party.
We start with a flashback to the main character Kat running through her small Louisiana town to get to the Christmas bonfire, where she hopes to get kissed by a boy. The boy decides he doesn’t really feel like kissing her that day and walks away like a little jerk. I wonder if Kat will end up with that boy later in the movie. I know, these hunches of mine are so far-fetched.
Cut to twenty years later, and Kat has transformed into Hilarie Burton, whom I know from catching the end of a One Tree Hill episode ten years ago. She’s an overworked New York City single mother (GASP) whose son Zack (Brody Rose) wins the award for most obnoxious Lifetime movie child ever. He spends all his time playing video games and complaining about soccer and not wanting to go to school and ahhhh just stop talking! He even he records himself on her tablet, which ends up in her presentation during an important meeting with her boss, who is Jewish based on his mention of Hanukkah. He might be the only Jewish person in Lifetime movie history. Actually, scratch that. There was one earlier this year who was almost certainly the second coming of Jesus Christ.
Kat decides she and Zack need a break, so she asks for time off to go home to Louisiana, which her boss allows on the condition that she works while she’s away. I guess because he’s Jewish he doesn’t understand that Christmas is about ignoring all responsibility in favor of hot cocoa. Cue shots of Kat arriving in her hometown to the tune of an extremely literal song that croons, “She’s got one foot in New York City, and one foot in the bayou.” I’m surprised it didn’t also feature the lyrics, “She works too much, but by the end of the movie she’ll find a man and be happy and learn the true meaning of Christmas la la la.”