So you hate Taylor Swift? Welcome to the club. Like you, I also hate her. Although typing that out does make me feel like a horrible person. While I certainly have several valid reasons for disliking her (such as this, this and this), there’s really no reason for me to hate her. But life’s funny sometimes and here we all are on a Friday morning, trash talking someone we’ve never met.
Rather than spend the pop star’s 24th birthday rehashing everyone we don’t like about her, I thought we could try something different this year. I know, I know, change is hard. And it feels funny, like trying to pee in a one-piece bathing suit. But work with me here, because I think it will be real good for our karma. And don’t worry, we’ll take it slow. Just ease right into it. Ready? Okay!
You would normally say: ”Of course she named it after herself. She’s such a cocky bitch. Like try to be more obsessed with yourself, Taylor.”
But today you’ll say: ”She donated four million dollars to make this center happen. Home girl deserves to have her name on that thing. It’s going to help lots of young people follow their dreams!”
You would normally say: “Ughhhh, can she ever just go out and be single? Why must she always behave like a penis magnet?”
But today you’ll say: “it’s incredibly charitable of her to help rising young talent in Hollywood get noticed by speaking to them in public.”
You would normally say: “Goddamit, why would a twenty-something enjoy spending all her time around teenagers. It’s so fricking weird.”
But today you’ll say: “It’s kinda cool how she’s starting a Big Brother, Big Sister program for wealthy and famous teenagers who need a role model.”
You would normally say: “I’m sorry, does that monster really believe that we’re all blind idiots? Sorry sweetheart, try again.”
But today you’ll say: “It certainly takes guts to lie to the entire country about something that’s blatantly obvious. The more I think about, the more I want to call her brave. Dare I say it, but she”s kinda like the blonde version of Merida.”
You would normally say: ”Gross, she’s such a stupid loser. It’s like, get a friend that doesn’t poop in a box. What a weirdo.”
But today you’ll say: “It takes a mature adult to stay in on a weekend night when all the other famous people her age are out making irresponsible decisions. Good for her for avoiding that scene.”
You would normally say: “Grow up girlfriend, quit being a jealous jelly face about your best friend being in a relationship.”
But today you’ll say: “Wow, Taylor sure had some foresight when it came to Justin Bieber. Turns out he’s a total dickwad after all! If only Selena had listened to her best friend…”
You would normally say: “I didn’t pay all this money to watch you prance about the stage in your pajamas. Go home, get dressed and wear something more expensive than my house please.”
But today you’ll say: “That’s so neat that she’s so down to earth! It’s just kinda refreshing to see that a celebrity and I both have the same taste when it comes to the Gap.”
You would normally say: “What black magic did she use to convince Ellen that they should be friends? No really, because I don’t remember her being in Slytherin, but something’s not quite right here.”
But today you’ll say: “There certainly must be something redeeming about if Ellen, the Ellen, likes her. I’ll have to work harder to figure it out.”
And there you go folks, now you like Taylor Swift! Okay, maybe you don’t like her. But you don’t hate her as much? Maybe?