Why good afternoon, Joe Jonas, and happy holidays! What nonsense do you have to share with the internet today?
Might it be a strange tweet with the kind of four letter word in it that would’ve rattled your purity rings back in the day? Or maybe an announcement that you’ve joined another band of brothers that’s going to blind-side us with a break-up two days before you’re due to start your tour? Or a bizarre, rambling video response to a fan asking you to prom, backlit by a roaring fire? Or (fingers crossed!) perhaps you’re ready to drop even more revelations about smoking weed with Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus? The world is quite literally your oyster, Joeyfriend, and there’s very little you can do that strikes me as genuinely odd anymore, but have at it.
Puh, a Christmas card? That’s all you’ve got? I was expecting more from you, Joe. Oh what’s that you say? You made this yourself and posted it to Instagram yesterday? And it stars an inexplicably-balding version of you, wearing a chunky sweater and holding a lcat in a (Santa) hat? Okay, you have my attention. And there’s a vanity shot of said cat gazing into the distance while being bathed in a soft light? Okay, Joe, you got me again. There might be something to this.
Especially when you consider the caption: “It’s getting cold. Cuddle up with a kitten”. Yeah, you could do that, or you could cuddle up with your girlfriend. Don’t you have one of those? No wait, don’t answer that — I know you do, because her name is Blanda Eggenschwiler, of all things. Why isn’t she in this photo? Is there trouble in Blandadise? I’m just saying, studies have shown that cuddling with your significant other instead of a long-haired cat results in 100% less instances of lint-roller use. Something to consider.