After months and months of waiting for Kim Kardashian to finally reveal her post baby bikini body, she graced us with it on the cover of Us Weekly. “My Body is Back,” the cover says in big bold letters. “That thing that was in me came out through my hooha and made a whole lot of noise and someone took it away and then I stopped eating for a long time and then someone told me I had a child and I was like really, when? Does it have a good body? Is Khloe Mad? Ugh, I bet she’s like so mad at me,” it says in slightly smaller print.
As someone who worried endlessly about the effect that having a baby would have on Kim’s body, this news is just so incredibly welcome. I can’t even begin to tell you how many nights I was wide awake in my bed, worrying that she would never lose that baby weight. “What if she had to succumb to surgery?” I would ask myself as I stared up at the ceiling, “or worse, gimmicks?” We all know there’s nothing worse than gimmicks. Especially for a family as prestigious and gimmick-free as the Kardashians.
Oh wait, maybe I’m thinking gluten-free. Yes, now that I think about it the Kardashians hate gluten and love gimmicks. If you unscrew Bruce Jenner’s earrings, his entire face falls off and just reveals Ryan Seacrest playing in a room full of gimmicks. But still, it would’ve been dreadful if Kim had to expose her body to gimmicks. I mean more than all the other ones she’s had. (Insert sex tape joke here.)
So this holiday season let’s all be grateful that Kim got her body back. And that she can finally slam those fat bullies and get her sweet revenge. Although, elephant in the room, should Kim’s revenge be sweet so soon after she lost all that weight? Is diet revenge an option?