PRO: They’re very well-dressed.
What is it about a nice pair of suspenders that’s so appealing? Add a waistcoat and a stylish ascot, and I’m all yours.
CON: Everything they wear has those feet attached.
As adorable and endearing as hobbits look on the whole, up close those big hairy feet are not especially attractive. And imagine how much dirt a hobbit boyfriend would trail into bed at night. I love being barefoot as much as the next person, but yuck.
PRO: They love to eat.
The pantry will always be stocked with biscuits and meats and potatoes (boiled, mashed, stuck in a stew) and whenever you suggest grabbing lunch he’ll always be up for it.
CON: They expect seven meals a day.
As much as I love food, that’s little excessive. If your hobbit boyfriend is the type who wants you to make him sandwiches all the time, that can go past misogyny and just become ridiculously time-consuming. You have important things to do.
PRO: They’re always up for letting loose.
Hobbits love to party, and that usually includes alcohol and a dash of pipe weed (wink wink). A hobbit boyfriend would always be up for couples karaoke or a night of silly dancing.
CON: Sometimes they can let loose a little too much.
Once your boyfriend has started drunkenly dancing on a table, knocking mugs over with his hobbit feet and shouting a pub song at the top of his lungs, it’s time to go home. That’s just embarrassing.
PRO: They’re always polite.
Hobbits are friendly and mild-mannered, and they’re usually in a good mood, provided they’re not on a quest to destroy an evil ring of power. And even then they’re downright sweethearts. Well, to a point, as we touched on with the whole jewelry thing.
CON: Sometimes a little too polite.
Bilbo just lets those dwarves waltz into his house and have a food fight in his kitchen. Sure, he protests, but he could have done a little more to kick them out. Not exactly the kind of thing you want to happen during a romantic dinner — or supper or elvenses or breakfast or second breakfast or…
PRO: They look like this.
I’ll have one lifelong order of romantic Frodo eye contact, thank you very much. And yes, I’ll have fries with that.
CON: Nope, no con here.
I mean, just look at that face.
So what’s the verdict? Even though it wouldn’t be a perfect relationship (and those don’t exist anyway), hobbits are excellent boyfriend material. Who wouldn’t want to run their fingers through that curly mop of hair? No one, I tell you. No one.