My life-long dream is to be a hobbit. And if I can’t be a hobbit the next best thing is to date one. Ever since I saw The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring and glimpsed Elijah Wood’s inhumanly blue irises on the movie screen, hobbits have been my type. While my middle school friends were crushing on Orlando Bloom and his flowing blond hair, I was all about the Shire folk.
As is true of any guy, however, there are pros and cons to being in a relationship with a hobbit. Even though I’m pretty sure I would marry Bilbo, Frodo, Sam, Merry or Pippin in a heartbeat (maybe even all of them, if they’re up for a little polygamy), having them as a significant other would likely have its drawbacks. So in honor of this Friday’s release of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, let’s take a look at the pros and cons of dating a hobbit.
PRO: They’re incredibly loyal.
Hobbits have their friends’ backs through the toughest of times. Merry and Pippin are always helping each other, and Sam literally carries Frodo’s limp body up the side of a volcano. I think it’s safe to say these guys won’t cheat on you, unless it’s with their bros.
CON: Sometimes they can get a little too clingy.
Like I said, Sam’s great and all, but he can be a little clingy, which isn’t always so fun in a relationship. Here’s a great way to get totally hammered during your Lord of the Rings marathon: Drink every time Sam says “Mr. Frodo.” Take an extra shot if he shouts it in desperation.
PRO: They love hanging out at home.
YES PLEASE. Hobbits love to be home, and they keep those homes nice and cozy. Couple’s night in? Where do I sign?
CON: They don’t ever want to leave.
As nice as it is to stay in, and as beautiful as the Shire is, sometimes it’s fun to try something new, like a vacation in Rivendell or something. But it’ll probably take thirteen rowdy dwarves and a wizard to give him “a little nudge out of the door.” So not fun.
PRO: They have great taste in jewelry.
The One Ring is simple, tasteful, and practical (invisibility, hello). If that’s the kind of jewelry Bilbo and Frodo like to carry around in their pocketses, imagine what they’d pick out for you on your birthday. Forget Jared, he went to Mordor!
CON: They want that jewelry all to themselves.
Yeah, so… he might not actually give you that lovely jewelry I just mentioned. He might become evil and keep it for himself. And you might have to literally bite his finger off to get it. You don’t want to date a guy who’s more into accessories than you are.