Channing Tatum Plays Some Sort Of Scruffy Keebler Elf In The Jupiter Ascending Trailer

Channing Tatum Jupiter Ascending trailer 2013

The first trailer for Jupiter Ascending has arrived, and I’ll get to how the movie in general looks in just a moment, but first we really need to talk about Channing Tatum. He’s rocking a new look in this movie, and let’s just say he’s looked better. A lot better. Channing plays a “genetically-engineered soldier” named Caine. Apparently in the futuristic universe in which this film takes place, genetically-engineered soldiers are made by crossing Keebler elves with a bearded Spencer Pratt, with a healthy amount of eyeliner thrown in. Because that’s what Channing looks like here.

I don’t understand this character design in the first place, but especially when it’s on someone like Channing. He’s not exactly the kind of actor I picture in a sci-fi role. That’s not only because whenever I see him in a movie all I can think is, “That’s Channing Tatum. Hi, Channing Tatum. Look at Channing Tatum up there pretending to be somebody. He’s so silly.” It’s also because he just has a look that doesn’t transfer well into this kind of world. What might look ethereal and otherworldly on a different actor just looks like a Halloween costume on him.

But let’s talk about the movie in general. That doesn’t look too great either, if you ask me. It tells the story of a woman named Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) who’s in danger of being assassinated because she’s destined to threaten the queen of the universe’s rule. At least according to IMDb. I’m not a huge fan of science fiction, but I don’t think that’s the reason this movie looks ridiculous to me. It just doesn’t seem to take any kind of new or interesting approach to the genre. It’s by the Wachowski brothers, who directed The Matrix. Before that gets you too excited, remember that they also directed Cloud Atlas. Yeah…

Sean Bean is in this too, which probably means his character will die. That’s a non-spoiler that I just made up, but he dies in everything so it’s not far-fetched. Jupiter Ascending is in theaters July 25, 2014, so mark your beard calendars.

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Meredith Hirt

      This trailer. It’s just…well, it’s awful.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Right?!

    • CMc

      Orlando Bloom is the only person that can make elf ears look sexy.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Yeah, but even he probably couldn’t make that beard work.

      • CMc

        Haha very true. It makes Channing look like one of those half human half goat creatures from the Chronicles of Narnia.