• Fri, Dec 6 - 8:00 am ET

The Only Breakdown Of The New Ladies On The Bachelor You’ll Ever Need

The Bachelor Juan Pablo 2013The new season of The Bachelor starring everyone’s favorite pro soccer player and single dad Juan Pablo, 32, is coming in January, so I hope everyone is very close to the edge of their seat. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve actually agreed with the person they put in the driver’s seat, so this should be an even more fun season than normal.

But as we know from his time on Desiree‘s season of The Bachelorette, when he didn’t get a single one-on-one date even though he’s THE BEST THING EVER, Juan Pablo is clinically doomed to be underutilized. I’m not saying he won’t get a one-on-one date on his own season, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

So with that in mind, we should probably get to know these ladies, since we’ll be seeing way more of them than of the glorious Juanny Pabs. And we’re in luck! Because good news — they were all announced yesterday. But there’s bad news, too, and that’s that there are twenty-seven of them. That’s way too many eager ladies looking for love to memorize all at once. Usually I wait ’til the cast gets trimmed down after the first night to even attempt to untangle all that hairspray and sequins and I recommend you do too.

But until that moment, there are some typical categories that are getting hit, so I figured I’d break it down for you the only way that makes sense to me — in Bachelor stereotypes.

We have…

1 TOKEN BLACK WOMAN
8 TOKEN BLOND WOMEN
19 BRUNETTES
14 WOMEN WHOSE NAME END IN AN ‘EE’ SOUND
2 AMYS
2 LAURENS
3 WOMEN OVER 30
13 WOMEN UNDER 25
4 WOMEN WITH MADE UP JOBS (retired NBA dancer, dog lover, mineral coordinator, free spirit)
5 WOMEN WHO WORK WITH CHILDREN
6 WOMEN FROM CALIFORNIA
1 WOMAN WHO LISTED THE BIBLE AS THEIR FAVORITE BOOK
2 WOMEN WHO LISTED DR. SEUSS AS THEIR FAVORITE AUTHOR
1 WOMAN WHO NAME-DROPS KATE UPTON AS HER BEST FRIEND
21454 WOMEN WHO LISTED THE NOTEBOOK AS THEIR FAVORITE MOVIE

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  • Olivia Wilson

    I’m imagining a mineral coordinator separating their minerals by color like I do with my Skittles.

  • Katie

    I like the evil one hiding in the shadows in that photo

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Lurrrrrkinggggg.

    • kj

      “What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug did I sign up for?! I hope my 15 minutes of fame is worth it. Blargh I need another drink.”

  • kj

    1 token black woman better than zero black women? Progress? Maybe?

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Baaaaaby steps.