I’m obsessed with Joe Jonas right now. He’s hopped aboard the Hot Mess Express this year and is now speeding full steam ahead. Sure Justin Bieber’s currently driving this train, but rumor has it that he lets Joe Jonas take the wheel when he’s napping. (Which is a euphemism for visiting brothels.) At some point in between the Jonas Brothers break-up and last night, Joe Jonas sat down with Jennifer Vineyard and told her his entire life story. While I don’t know if this started out as an interview or any other kind of normal reporter-celebrity interaction, it turned in to a one-man show. If you forced me to stick it into one genre, I’d say it’s a dark comedy.
The non-interview’s currently on Vulture and it’s an estimated 80 gazillion words long. Which means that Joe Jonas pretty much talked for about 6 days straight. While the whole thing’s definitely worth a read (especially for people who hate what Disney does to kids), I’d like to direct your attention to the part where he talks about losing his virginity to Ashley Greene. Even though he never comes right out and says that’s what happened, we used some old-fashioned math and figured it out.
He starts the whole v-card convo by saying this:
I lost my virginity when I was 20. I did other stuff before then, but I was sexually active at 20. I’m glad I waited for the right person, because you look back and you go, “That girl was batshit crazy. I’m glad I didn’t go there.”
And later, saying this:
When I was 20, I started dating Ashley Greene, and she was my first serious relationship. We were together for almost a year.
So yeah, you’ll probably agree with me when I say that two plus two equals sex with Ashley Greene. I mean four. Two plus two equals four. While this information will in no way impact the rest of your day, it’s good to have in the back of your mind. You know, in case you’re ever at a bar with a celebrity v-card themed trivia night. Or if Joe Jonas loses his memory and you’re married to him and forced to tell him about his life Notebook style every single day. And yes, in scenario number two you are Blanda Eggssunnysideup.