Sometimes I worry about kids these days. Back in my day, kids shows were lovably weird, certainly, but they were the kind of weird that I can watch now in my twenties and still appreciate. Nowadays when I flip through the channels and end up on a kids network, I’m either horrified or highly annoyed. Everything’s so over the top and bizarre these days. You have to wonder how people come up with these concepts and get them made into TV shows. Half the plots sound like they were created with mad libs and the other half sound like the result of a bad drug trip.
I wanted to delve deeper into what kids are watching on television these days, so I did a little research into the programming offered by a few popular kids channels. If you, like me, have no children or younger siblings with whom to watch these shows, you probably have no idea most of them exist. But when you hear the plots, you won’t believe they’re on the air.
1. Dog With A Blog
This show is about exactly what it sounds like. It’s not about a family running a parody blog for their dog, like those celebrity pets with Twitter accounts. Nope, it’s about a talking dog named Stan who runs a blog. On the computer. Where he writes about his human family. And it’s a live action show. I’ll let you take a moment to process this.
2. The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange
(Image: Cartoon Network)
Every time I catch this show on the TV set in a restaurant or by accident when I hit the wrong channel number, it haunts my dreams for at least three nights afterward. There are human faces superimposed onto fruit. What about that doesn’t spell n-i-g-h-t-m-a-r-e? It’s based on a popular web series about a bunch of fruit in a grocery store. There are occasionally zombie vegetables. Please don’t make me talk about this anymore.
3. The Twisted Whiskers Show
If you’ve ever wished that the Cheshire Cat could be made even creepier and multiplied into various different animals, then boy oh boy is this the show for you. It’s based on a series of greeting cards, proving they’ll make a movie or TV show about anything these days. Why are their smiles so big and their eyes so starey?
4. The Haunted Hathaways
This is not about a bunch of Anne Hathaway clones who are possessed by an evil spirit. I know, that’s what I thought too. This show is actually about a woman and her two daughters who move into a house haunted by the ghosts of another family. So… those people died at some point. Is that really a conversation parents want to be having with their children while watching a TV show?
5. Sabrina: Secrets of a Witch
Nope. Nope nope nope. This is on the list because no one should be able to touch my beloved Sabrina the Teenage Witch and turn her into a goofy-looking computer-animated teeny-bopper voiced by Ashley Tisdale. She is Melissa Joan Hart and/or maaaybe the animated girl from the early ’00s who was voiced by Melissa’s little sister. But that’s it.