Wow, you turn around for one second in this town and a celebrity decides to get every major life event under their belt before you’ve even had time to prepare. Kaley Cuoco is prepared to sprint down the aisle for some mysterious reason conspiracy theorists are having a field day with. Kelly Clarkson is already pregnant despite just getting married like two seconds ago. The latest culprit? Jennifer Love Hewitt, who reportedly gave birth yesterday to a baby girl named Autumn James Hallisay. They really got that seasonal name in under the wire there. Autumn’s a very lucky girl to be a Thanksgiving baby. So much food, so little time. When she’s old enough to eat solid food, of course.
But wait… there’s more! A source told Us Weekly that Jennifer and her fiance actor Brian Hallisay (feel free to Google him again, it’s been a few months) “got married recently in private.” B-b-but how? Where were the paparazzi? Where were the anonymous sources letting us know when and where it was happening? Where was the secret camera in the wedding cake? First Kerry Washington, then Kristen and Dax, and now J.Love? This is simply too much. This privacy madness must stop immediately before someone gets hurt.
Wedding privacy notwithstanding, though, what a clever way for Jennifer to remind us she exists after her cheesetastic (and boobtastic) Lifetime series The Client List was canceled! Studies show the number one way for a celebrity to sneak back into our consciousness like a fame bandit is to give birth. And also to make a pact with the devil. But giving birth has fewer strings attached. What’s weird is that even though I had kind of forgotten Jennifer had a baby in her belly, now that my memory is refreshed it feels like her pregnancy was just announced yesterday. But it was back in June. That was five — almost six — months ago. Is it really already Thanksgiving? Did I sleep through Halloween? What’s my name again?