Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so I just know we’re all SO EXCITED for that. Or we’re supposed to be, anyway, because everyone else is. After all, what’s not to love? You eat and drink all day in a literal parade of gluttony, surrounded by the people you love, and then you go to sleep in your clothes (minus the top button of your jeans) while the subtle sounds of a football game wash over you in delicious waves of man-on-man aggression.
It all sounds amazing, right? Everyone seems to think it is. But as it turns out, there are some of us out here who weren’t raised the same way as everyone else. Some of us not only didn’t have the same traditions as every other human in America — we don’t even like the holiday. It just doesn’t mean that much to us. Or them. Or whatever. I admit nothing.
But that’s not an acceptable answer in a world being swept up by the holiday spirit, so you better get your act together and prepare to fake some nostalgia. Because we are t-minus however many hours until Turkey Tom pops his (hopefully not-raw and not-twerking) rump out of the oven, expecting to be met by a forest of smiles and pop culture references. There are some things that people experienced in their childhoods that imprinted on their brains forever, and you’re gonna be expected to be just as excited about those things as they are…even though you are an adult.
So since I don’t want you to look foolish in front of all your friends, I’m here to assist with the Official Crushable Guide To Faking Thanksgiving Nostalgia. I’m gonna walk you one-by-one through the references and nostalgic moments that you should have mastered to sail smoothly through tomorrow.
And don’t worry, I’m qualified — I fake it ’til I make it on a daily basis anyway with pop culture references from the 90s. SO LET’S DO THIS.