Are you guys ready to get the pop culture rug ripped out from under your trendy little toes? To become aware that everything you thought you knew and believed in and hung all your hopes on is a LIE? (I hope so, because it’s the week of Thanksgiving, and literally nothing else is going on with these famous humans.)
Well ready or not, here comes the big news — we’ve all been mispronouncing Rihanna‘s name. All of us. We’re just a big pile of idiots acting like we know what we’re doing, and then we open our mouths and nonsense garbage flies out. This is unbelievable.
You’ve been saying ree-AH-na, right? Of course you have, because we’re all members of a pack of wild animals, squawking out new names for people we don’t understand. It’s pronounced ree-ANNA, for the love of god. REE-ANNA. When you really think about it, we’re no better than Ryan Seacrest renaming Quvenzhané Wallis ‘Little Q’ during Oscar season last year, because the real pronunciation of her name was too intimidating for his delicate radio sensibilities.
But just how high up does this conspiracy go? How many people are there out there blindly mispronouncing her name when a simple YouTube video of Rihanna introducing herself at a concert (if she ever gets to one on time) would end the speculation once and for all? Answer: a lot of them, and it’s a group the includes professional abomination Chris Brown (no surprise there), Jay Z, and even Rihanna’s own mother, Monica Braithwaite.
OH THE INDIGNITY — wait. Rihanna’s mom says it wrong? How is that possible? She’s the one who named her, anyway: Robyn Rihanna Fenty, so if someone’s wrong in this situation, isn’t it more likely that it’s Rihanna herself? As Gawker points out, she does have an entire song dedicated to asking what her own name is, called, fittingly ‘What’s My Name?’ with new/old boyfriend Drake. I thought the question was rhetorical or I would’ve given her a call.