Before going to bed last night I saw theÂ The Hollywood ReporterÂ cover and almost died of excitement. Not only did it featureÂ Justin BieberÂ leaning onÂ Scooter Braun, but it also included a headline that read “Justin Bieber is Not Sorry.” JUSTIN BIEBER IS NOT SORRY!?! I mean, what? IsÂ The Hollywood ReporterÂ trolling me or am I really lucky enough to get to read an entire article where Justin Bieber goes on the record and talks about he’s not sorry for being a little shit for the past year? Well folks, miracles do happen. At least for celebrity bloggers who follow his downward spiral more closely than the final season ofÂ Breaking Bad. (I assure you, I’m well aware of how low my karma is right now.) The article’s real and it’s here and I’m more excited than Justin Bieber getting his diaper changed.
The entire interview’s basically Scooter Braun’s attempt to justify Justin’s recent behavior. Justin removes his pacifier long enough to get in a few quality lines, but it’s mostly Scooter defending him and explaining why he shouldn’t
have detention be punished for his actions.Â You see, he’s a completely normal teenager doing completely normal teenage things that justÂ happenÂ to be caught on camera. I mean really, when you get down to it, Â it’s kinda the camera’s fault. Who invented that dang thing anyway!? (“Anne Frank?” Justin Bieber asks Scooter at this point in the interview, “did she invent the camera?”) Oh it’s also the media’s fault. If Justin Bieber does something dick in the forest and no one’s around to record it, was it really all that dick? That’s something for you to ponder throughout the day.
While I’m tempted to just copy and paste the entire article here, I won’t. Not only because that’s wildly ethical, but also because it’s very long. And let’s be honest. You don’t have time to read all those gif-less words in one sitting. Maybe not even in two sittings. So to help you out, I’ve pulled out the 9 best quotes from the article. The quotes that are most likely to make your eyes roll so far back in your head that you won’t see them until the new year.
So with no further ado, enjoy the madness.
If you’re a 19-year-old pop star who wants to be seen as an adult artist, it probably is not the best idea to show up to a photo shoot in a onesie. Yet here isÂ Justin Bieber, draped head to toe in a cherry-red jumper whose only point of entry and exit is a blindingly bright white zipper that stretches from his chest to, well, you know â€¦
Those are the first two sentences guys. That’s right, the interview kicks off by making note of the fact that he’s a 19-year-old wearing a onesie. A ONESIE. As in those things that babies wear so that their parents may more easily change their diapers. Or that pop stars wear because the whole “shirt and pants” concept still eludes them. “You want me to put that button in that hole 10 times on just one shirt….sorry Scooter, you’re doing to wake up pretty early in the morning to prank ole Justin Bieber.”
No, the buds accompanying Bieber to thisÂ THRÂ cover photo shoot in L.A. include PastorÂ Judah SmithÂ of Seattle’s nondenominational City Church, an adviser who texts Bieber daily with a scripture chosen specifically for the singer
Oh good, now we’re dragging God in to this whole mess. While I’m sure inviting Pastor Judah to this photo shoot’s some kind of attempt to pretend that Bieber’s a wholesome young man who’s misunderstood, it’s not fooling us. After all, Bieber uses the same phone that sends him scriptures to upload topless photos to Instagram. Nice try Scoots. But you’re gong to need someone from each and every religion to convince us that Bieber’s taking advice from a higher power.
And Bieber is using that voice, tellingÂ THRÂ in his first interview in nine months that sometimes you just have to say, “I don’t give a f—.” Elaborates Bieber: “Not ‘I don’t give a f—’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a f— what they say.’ â€¦ I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
Are you happy with the man you’re becoming though? Because the man we’re seeing just spent a few weeks in South America dabbling in vandalism and brothelism. Also bad news Bieber, Miley already beat you to the punch when it comes to not caring. The “I’m just being Miley” school of thought is months old by now. Although I do like the vulgar twist on it. May I suggest that you throw out the f-word as often as possible in interviews where you try to convince people you’re a grown adult.