9 Quotes From Justin Bieber’s THR Interview That Will Make You Roll Your Eyes Extra Hard

Justin Bieber I'm not sorry the hollywood reporter coverBefore going to bed last night I saw the The Hollywood Reporter cover and almost died of excitement. Not only did it feature Justin Bieber leaning on Scooter Braun, but it also included a headline that read "Justin Bieber is Not Sorry." JUSTIN BIEBER IS NOT SORRY!?! I mean, what? Is The Hollywood Reporter trolling me or am I really lucky enough to get to read an entire article where Justin Bieber goes on the record and talks about he's not sorry for being a little shit for the past year? Well folks, miracles do happen. At least for celebrity bloggers who follow his downward spiral more closely than the final season of Breaking Bad. (I assure you, I'm well aware of how low my karma is right now.) The article's real and it's here and I'm more excited than Justin Bieber getting his diaper changed.

The entire interview's basically Scooter Braun's attempt to justify Justin's recent behavior. Justin removes his pacifier long enough to get in a few quality lines, but it's mostly Scooter defending him and explaining why he shouldn't have detention be punished for his actions. You see, he's a completely normal teenager doing completely normal teenage things that just happen to be caught on camera. I mean really, when you get down to it,  it's kinda the camera's fault. Who invented that dang thing anyway!? ("Anne Frank?" Justin Bieber asks Scooter at this point in the interview, "did she invent the camera?") Oh it's also the media's fault. If Justin Bieber does something dick in the forest and no one's around to record it, was it really all that dick? That's something for you to ponder throughout the day.

While I'm tempted to just copy and paste the entire article here, I won't. Not only because that's wildly ethical, but also because it's very long. And let's be honest. You don't have time to read all those gif-less words in one sitting. Maybe not even in two sittings. So to help you out, I've pulled out the 9 best quotes from the article. The quotes that are most likely to make your eyes roll so far back in your head that you won't see them until the new year.

So with no further ado, enjoy the madness.

If you're a 19-year-old pop star who wants to be seen as an adult artist, it probably is not the best idea to show up to a photo shoot in a onesie. Yet here is Justin Bieber, draped head to toe in a cherry-red jumper whose only point of entry and exit is a blindingly bright white zipper that stretches from his chest to, well, you know …

Those are the first two sentences guys. That's right, the interview kicks off by making note of the fact that he's a 19-year-old wearing a onesie. A ONESIE. As in those things that babies wear so that their parents may more easily change their diapers. Or that pop stars wear because the whole "shirt and pants" concept still eludes them. "You want me to put that button in that hole 10 times on just one shirt….sorry Scooter, you're doing to wake up pretty early in the morning to prank ole Justin Bieber."

No, the buds accompanying Bieber to this THR cover photo shoot in L.A. include Pastor Judah Smith of Seattle's nondenominational City Church, an adviser who texts Bieber daily with a scripture chosen specifically for the singer

Oh good, now we're dragging God in to this whole mess. While I'm sure inviting Pastor Judah to this photo shoot's some kind of attempt to pretend that Bieber's a wholesome young man who's misunderstood, it's not fooling us. After all, Bieber uses the same phone that sends him scriptures to upload topless photos to Instagram. Nice try Scoots. But you're gong to need someone from each and every religion to convince us that Bieber's taking advice from a higher power.

And Bieber is using that voice, telling THR in his first interview in nine months that sometimes you just have to say, "I don't give a f—." Elaborates Bieber: "Not 'I don't give a f—' to just be reckless and do whatever, but 'I don't give a f— what they say.' … I know who I am and what I'm doing in my life and what I've accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I'm happy with the man I'm becoming."

Are you happy with the man you're becoming though? Because the man we're seeing just spent a few weeks in South America dabbling in vandalism and brothelism. Also bad news Bieber, Miley already beat you to the punch when it comes to not caring. The "I'm just being Miley" school of thought is months old by now. Although I do like the vulgar twist on it. May I suggest that you throw out the f-word as often as possible in interviews where you try to convince people you're a grown adult.

Share This Post:
    • Maddie

      Oh my god Jenni, that was easily the most hilarious thing you’ve ever written. Made my day.

      • Jenni

        Thank you! This comment made MY day!

    • MJ

      I was dying of laughter after reading this! My favorite part is the last bit about Satan’s work being done. Pure gold.

      • Katie

        I actually had to put my hand over my mouth and laugh so I wouldnt get in trouble at work. Hilarious.

      • Jenni

        I couldn’t do it without Bieber just being Bieber

    • Lauren

      I was cracking up at “Uh, back that scooter up, Mr. Braun.”
      Hilarious! Loved reading this.

    • MammaSweetpea

      “If Justin Bieber does something dick in the forest and no one’s around to record it, was it really all that dick? ” LOL!!
      I GOTTA find a way to work that into a conversation!

    • Kay_Sue

      He isn’t a weird robot already?

    • Cee

      Who is Scooter Braun? Is he the biggest and oldest Bieber mooch?

      Also, doesn’t Lil Twist, like, live in Justin’s house and crashes his cars every now and then?
      Yea you got rid of all the moochers, Justin

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    • Rose

      Well well blessed are you to have rich BFFs who dont need you to perform classic youth games on camera as a way to help them make some money. As you know Beiber only befriends the poor and vagrant members of society much like the pope, he embraces them with open arms and promises of loogie games and yet you shame him for that. He may be a little misguided in his actions but as Pastor Smith once texted “Save me from this road im on, Jesus take the Wheel”

    • JennniMaierisasmugperson

      You need to calm down Jenni Maier. Justin Bieber is annoying but he’s 19 and under identity crushing scrutiny that can crush a young man’s sense of self. I’m not excusing it, but in this article, you come off like a really smug cunt. And I know you’ll discredit me because of my use of the word, but Jenni, take a look in the mirror and reflect on the year you’ve had. Think off all the smug judgements you’ve thrown out because of your own inferiority complex and fear that what I’m saying is absolutely true. You. Jenni Maier. Are. Indeed. A very judgemental. Very smug. c-word. Think about it. Think about all the people you throw under the bus because they’re easy targets. You Jenni Maier do that constantly. And there’s no easier target that Biebs. Miley seems reasonably secure with herself despite her antics so she’s tough to shame. But Justin. He’s a genuinely douche-y 19 year old. A lot of us were. Maybe even you were Jenni Maier. Maybe you still are.

      • Rose

        Wow how lucky are you that your user name just happens to be “JennnniMaierisasmugperson” Stars align and fate be damned today is certainly your lucky day! Sadly the same cannot be said for me since the user name i wanted, “JenniMaierscunt”, was already taken BUT as the representative of her naughty bits I have a few c-words of my own for you…choice words that is.
        Us cunts get a bad rep, our name is flung around as an insult and we are often feared and hated as the single biggest puzzle the male species has yet to solve. We are always fingered when things go south, often clumsy, misguided and harsh fingering at that. So to say Jenni is being a “smug cunt” because you disagree with her article is insulting to cunts everywhere. Sure there are plenty of smug cunts out there – walking around talking about how they “can always get off” or have “multiple orgasms” or they are the president of the PTA. THOSE are smug cunts. But Jenni’s not a smug cunt, rather a regular 34 year old cunt who simply refuses to placate you and continues to write accurate articles on the utter incessant bile that is the Biebs.
        But alas who will defend poor Justin Bieber if you dont do it? Not his army of fans, or his team of publicists, reps, PR people, managers, hype men and hair stylists – no none of those people are brave enough to defend his every actions BUT you bravely defended him under your god given name “JennniMaierisasmugperson” and for that let me clap my lips together in praise.
        So keep up the good fight but maybe next time try not to use terms like smug cunt unless you really know the people it hurts – us cunts.

    • bipbop

      I look forward to the day he starts smoking crack and meth

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