Look, I’m not a lawyer. Nor do I play one in a CBS procedural. But I do know potential legal problems when I see them. And tell you what, Delivery Man is full of them. Just chock full. The whole time that I watched it, I was thinking “um, lawsuit!” So in case you are a lawyer and you do want to see a movie that will make you want to crawl inside of it and start some filing some legal proceedings, I’ve made a nice long list of issues that I noticed upon my first viewing. Not 533, but I figured that’s a good number to throw out there since that’s how many children David (Vince Vaughn) fathered in the film. 533?! I know, that sounds unethical. Don’t you worry, we’ll get there.
First, let me give you a quick rundown of the movie. David’s a lovable schmuck who can’t be trusted to do anything right. Yet, for some reason, a clinic puts his sperm inside 533 women during the early ’90s. Fast forward to present day when a bunch of his bio kids are suing the clinic in effort to find out David’s real identity. David, when presented with the information that his biological children would like to meet him, freaks out. So his lawyer friend (Chris Pratt…who should sue his agent for putting him in this) works to protect his identity.
However David, who’s an idiot in addition to being a lovable schmuck, decides to learn more about this children by stalking them. That’s right. The clinic hands him an envelope with all their profiles — and it includes everything from their photos to where they’ll be at any given point during any given day. Meeting his children (using a false identity, duh) makes him realize that he’s a worthless human being with a worthless life. He doesn’t really do anything to change that, but it definitely gives him something to think about.
Other things to think about? The following legal issues that arose during his non-coming-of-age movie.
1. David starts growing weed in his apartment to make extra money. But only because he’s $100,000 in debt to mobsters. How else is he supposed to make money? And don’t say work. DON’T YOU DARE SAY WORK! He’s a sweatpants midday kinda guy and he’s not going to do anything to better his situation that takes effort.
2. David sells old meat to customers. David’s family owns a successful butcher’s shop. And the only job that David can be trusted with is to deliver the meat to the various stores that order it. Except, twist, he can’t even be trusted with that. Instead of delivering the meat, he just drives around with it all day while he does various non-work-related activities. (Such as stalk his children.) By the time it gets to the customers, it’s practically crawling with salmonella. While his family views his inability to drive from point A to point B as a lovable flaw, I look it as a lawsuit it in the making from any customer who gets sick.
3. David’s allowed to donate sperm 693 times within a few years. Umm. I’m not one who’s usually into ethics, but C’MON! No good doctor would implant 533 women living in the same area with the same sperm. That’s just asking for disaster! Also for two kids to go on a date in 18-23 years and realize that they have the SAME sperm donor. In a city full of singles like New York, it’s not that crazy.
4. David stalks his biological children. After being told that several (like 100 or so) of his biological children would like to meet him, David stalks them. All of them. Like he puts their profiles on his wall and hunts them down. Okay, he doesn’t hunt. But he does follow a few around as they go about their day-to-day business. When they find out that he lied to them about his identity (and he uses a variety of covers when meeting them), they all forgive him because he’s a lovable schmuck-idiot.
5. David impersonates a pizza delivery man. While stalking one of his biological daughters, David impersonates a pizza delivery man. And in a moment of fatherly goodness, tells his daughter that the pizza’s free. Which seems like it would create problems for the actual delivery man who’s 100% not allowed to give away pizzas.
5A/6. David impersonates a heroin addict’s father. Turns out free pizza can’t cure a heroin addiction. As David stands in his daughter’s kitchen mumbling about the free pizza, she overdoes on heroin (just go with it). So he takes her to the hospital and saves her life. Then when the doctor mistakes him for her actual father, he goes along with it. In fact he even signs her out of the hospital as long as she promises not to drugs anymore. That’s called Good Parenting 101. “Sweetie, promise Papa that you’re done with drugs and you can do whatever you want!”
7. David kidnaps a disabled child. Sadly one of David’s children is mentally disabled. Even more sadly, the home he’s currently living in has NO restrictions on visitors. So when David starts showing up and visiting with him, no one asks any questions. And when David shows up in the middle of the night to take him on a trip, they just hand him over. Um, where are Ryan’s REAL parents? Annnddd how is he even involved in this suit?
8. David fails to tell the mother of his 534th child about his past. Before the movie even begins, David gets Cobie Smulders pregnant. At first she doesn’t want David involved in the baby’s life at all, but then, for NO reason at all, she decides she does. Her speech is like, “look I know that you’re completely irresponsible and that you’ll probably disappoint our child as well as myself more times than I can count, but I want you to be in our lives.” And he’s like, “hmm, umm, yeah that sounds about right.” Soon after that his childrens’ lawsuit goes national and everyone in the media wants to know the identity of this guy who donated 14 thousand tons of sperm. While you’re thinking this would be a good time to tell Cobie Smulders about his past, David doesn’t. Instead he tells his 533 children about his real identity first via Facebook status. Then — we’re not there yet — he proposes to Cobie in the hospital. After that he lets it slip that he has 533 other children. While we don’t see her call a lawyer, we can only assume that she files for sole custody right after the end credits start rolling. Because c’mon, that’s something that you TELL your wife. Preferably before you tell the rest of the world. There’s a big difference between being a step-mom and being a media sensation with 533 grown stepkids.