• Tue, Nov 19 - 8:26 am ET

What Sex Is Like With Harry Styles, According To A Rando On Reddit

Harry Styles red carpet no smile

Like every other normally developing woman in her twenties, I’ve wondered what it would be like to have sexual relations with One Direction’s Harry Styles. As well how much I could make selling the sex tape and if that amount would be a fair exchange for my dignity and future googlability. Not sure how much future employers would like googling my name and seeing things like “graphic” and “NSFW” and “was she serious asking Harry Styles if Tea ‘n Crumpets is a real sex position in London” pop up. Unless of course I was applying for a job as a celebrity blackmailer. In that case, I’d be hired right away.

While I’m personally no closer to knowing what it would be like to be intimate with Harry Styles, I am now more prepared should the occasion arise. And it’s all thanks to ScaredOfFanGirls on Reddit! She recently contributed this gem of a story to a Reddit threat about groupies. Obvi there’s no way to verify if this story is true. But I can suggest that you look deep inside of yourself after reading it and ask yourself if it feels true.

I’ve made a throwaway because One Direction fans terrify me. I’m from NY and was back in chelsea on break from college up north. I visited my favorite cupcake shop and ran into Harry Styles. (You don’t get to be a 20 year old american girl without recognizing the band members of one direction.) I tipped him off that the red velvet cupcakes were the best of the lot and made an exit. This shop is on a pretty quiet street (one of the old cobbled ones: the few the proud), so I turned around when I heard “excuse me.” There was Harry, recommended cupcake in hand. He walked to the end of the block with me and there was a car waiting for him. I thought seriously about just going home, but i was pretty sure this was the kind of adventure that doesn’t happen twice, so I got in when he offered. We drove around for awhile behind tinted windows talking casually, and eventually ended up at his hotel. He got out with a security guy that had been sitting in the front seat and told the driver to take me a couple blocks away, giving me directions to find his handler in the hotel. It was honestly surreal and I thought he was being a little bit ridiculous until I saw the literal mob of teenage girls at the front door. I worked my way through the crowd (nobody stopped me because I wasn’t with Harry.) Surprisingly, his slightly vague directions panned out and I ended up in his suite. We had great conversations, good sex, and excellent champagne, at which point he needed to leave for some facet of his job, so I headed out of the hotel outside past the mob of fans. It was a really bizarre experience, and ultimately I feel bad for him after witnessing all the smoke and mirrors that went into a casual afternoon. He seemed like a good guy, and I hope he’s doing well, but I have no desire for a repeat. I’m a really private person and am unwilling to take the risk of my name or picture leaking.

EDIT: oh my god the number of penis specific questions. He had a slightly larger than average (in my experience, which honestly isn’t vast) dick. It wasn’t covered in glitter and it didn’t smell like sunflowers, just a pretty normal penis that he put to pretty good use.

I know, I know, you’re trying to take it all in. Cupcakes! Handlers! Champagne! Larger than average penises! This anecdote has all the makings of a holiday rom-com. Boy meets girl. Girl says red velvet. Boy says can you sign this confidentiality agreement. Girl goes on Reddit. I’m sure Hollywood’s already in pre-production for the film. Colin Firth will play Harry Styles and Helen Mirren will play ScaredOfFanGirls and James Franco will play the red velvet cupcake. I can see it all now! Almost as well as I can see myself spending way too much time in cupcake stores the next time Harry Styles comes to New York City. May we all one day get the opportunity to have sex with a celebrity and a cupcake in the very same day!

(GIF: Tumblr)

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  • Olivia Wilson

    Life as a celebrity is SO easy. He didn’t even mention getting in the car or going back to his hotel with the girl, he just did it and she was just like “welp, guess this is where the road leads me!”

    • Jenni

      His bodyguard/handler/driver (not sure if they’re all the same person) is essentially a pimp. “Find me that cupcake girl!”

    • http://gabrielle2lastnames.tumblr.com/ Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

      But in all honesty, would you question a beautiful celebrity opening his door and taking you to his hotel after hopefully delicious cupcakes? I mean if it’s like Lil’ John or that guy that does the voice of SpongeBob. ABSOLUTELY. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. Harry Styles? PROBABLY NOT.

    • Olivia Wilson

      Are you 100% sure that the Spongebob laugh during sex wouldn’t actually be a blessing in disguise?

    • http://gabrielle2lastnames.tumblr.com/ Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

      Because I’m such a good person, I’m going to give you a few minutes to legitimately close your eyes and put yourself into the situation that you just described and then let you get back to me.

  • http://gabrielle2lastnames.tumblr.com/ Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

    It’s like you never cease to make me love you EVEN MORE. Also, I need to become this girls best friend for no other reason than because she used the phrase “It wasn’t covered in glitter and it didn’t smell like sunflowers” to casually describe the epic (and probably 1000% fiction) encounter with Sir Styles’ little John!!!

    • Jenni

      But can you imagine if it was covered in glitter? What a beauty, but also what a mess!

    • http://gabrielle2lastnames.tumblr.com/ Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

      I can imagine that being INCREDIBLY painful though. And the clean up would probably be the most unpleasant experience that one could ever be apart of, aside from like, needing to shower at Ke$ha’s house or something.

  • jenley2013

    Jesus, fucking Harry Styles is like cradle robbing, dude looks like he’s 11!!! WTF… surely JUST being extremely famous isn’t enough?!

    • ISDMmediarelations

      “…surely JUST being extremely famous isn’t enough”
      Yes, being famous (let alone extremely famous) is more than enough for a large percentage of chicks.

      Having a nice car is often enough as well. Exhibit A: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iyeUcFKRv4
      If you disagree because you are a female and you would never fathom sleeping with someone just because they are famous or have a nice car, then pat yourself on the back, because you are what is referred to as a 12%er (twelve-percenter), which is the percentage of women (based on recent ISDM* studies) who are wholesome, genuine and the type of chick most guys hope to date and have a relationship with.
      *International Society of Dudes and Men

  • Marisa Beatriz

    I feel like a pedo for even reading this, how old is he now?
    He looks like Biebs when he was illegal and started dating Selena.

  • Char

    I read this yesterday when the Reddit thread started and oh my heavens if I didn’t catch the vapors. As an extreme Anglophile and closet fan of One Direction (Well, them and adorable faces and personalities. I don’t listen to their music), this definitely made me swoon and, not going to lie, I had a bit of lady boner after reading it.

  • Harris Toyles

    Harry’s gay lol

    • lexi

      you’re just jealous he has thousands of girls fantasizing over him and not you!