• Mon, Nov 18 - 4:52 pm ET

Let’s Translate Ireland Baldwin’s Tweets Defending Her Dad’s Use Of Gay Slurs

Alec Baldwin and Ireland Baldwin attending the Emmy Awards September 2013(Photo: Nikki Nelson / WENN.com)

In the Baldwin family, it’s a pretty safe bet that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. By which I mean, if one Baldwin is out front getting in trouble with the media for doing something inappropriate, the other one is on Twitter somewhere, going on a bizarre rant in their defense.

Case in point — a couple weeks ago, Ireland Baldwin got criticized for dressing as a stereotypical Native American chief for her Halloween costume, and her father Alec Baldwin quickly took to the internet to shout about it. But now the roles are reversed, as Alec is in trouble for allegedly calling a paparazzo a ‘cock-sucking fag’ (you know, as you do when you’re not homophobic), and Ireland fired off a quick rant about why we’re the assholes in this situation, not him. Gotcha.

Ron Burgundy what did you say GIF Anchorman

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But since we peons of the normal world have such difficulty understanding the Baldwins (I mean, he says he said ‘fathead’ while every single other person heard him say ‘fag’, so obviously there’s a comprehension issue), I figured we probably needed some sort of translation to fully grasp Ireland’s tweets. So here they are, friends, translated to English from their native Baldwinian by yours truly. Enjoy.

My father is very flammable, so please keep away from him with lit cigarettes and synthetic fibers.

My father only flies off the handle because he is strong and well-supported from years of working out his core muscles.

Have you even seen my dad? He is a very tall man.

Although arguably homophobic himself, he always makes sure to stand far away from other homophobes or racists so as to avoid being lumped in with them.

You are letting the press make you into gossip foie gras. Wake up and smell my dad’s big kind heart.

Pretty self-explanatory.

You can FEEL homophobic as long as you don’t ADMIT you’re homophobic.

And once a line is crossed, it becomes acceptable to threaten their lives, in turn. (e.g. The Golden Rule.)

INCLUDING MURDER.

Please stop acting like children so my dad can keep doing so without being bothered. There’s only room for two babies in our family and he’s one of them.

BE PEACEFUL AND LOVE EVERYONE, FATHEADS.

Breathe the air already! Do some yoga! Revel in the glory of your show being suspended!

I think I am all done talking about this now. Goodbye.

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