According to various sources whom I’m certain are true insiders holding genuine inside information, Gwyneth Paltrow‘s reps are feverishly working on improving her public persona in anticipation of the publication of a very negative Vanity Fair article. Understandable, right? Damage control is hardly a novelty in Hollywood. Now here’s where things get a little ridic: her reps reportedly feel the solution to this problem would be for Gwyneth to “gain weight” for a “Bridget Jones-esque role” to garner public sympathy. Ummm…. huh? That’s your idea of improving her image? It’s definitely ridiculous and also impossible, since Gwyneth only eats organic coconut air and one weekly cigarette.
Now, Gwyneth’s reps have since commented on this story by calling it “absurd and made up.” Well, I hope so. But just in case, I’ve come up with a few ideas for her PR team to improve Ms. Paltrow’s public persona. In GIFs, naturally.
1. Have her next cookbook be a little less smarmy and unrelatable, a little more ‘Murrican.
Nothing says “Hey I’m one of you guys” like pictures of Gwyneth and her kids eating regular, good ol’ American crap Hamburger Helper and drinking Capri Suns. I think I speak for all of us regular folk when I say that we can relate to the struggle of piercing a foil bag full of fake juice with a tiny straw.
2. Limit what she can talk about publicly.
You want people to like Gwyneth? Have her funny personality shine through a little more often. We know it’s in there. I’ve seen it on Ellen and SNL before! Having her talk about sex with Chelsea Handler isn’t something I’m dying to watch, but it’s a hell of a lot better than having her sit down with Oprah to talk about $50 jars of honey and compare notes on who’s “favorite things” list is the most insane.
3. Gwyneth Paltrow, rap goddess.
I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the time when Gwyneth and Cameron Diaz showed their true “G” nature and decided to rap. It was endearing and legitimately funny. Sometimes I forget I’m capable of liking Gwyneth when I read her GOOP newsletter, which basically begs us to punch her in the face every month.
4. Okay, maybe try having her gain a little weight.
Not because I think that is in any way a solution to the pending Vanity AFfair cover story, but because I just want to see her do this:
5. Self-awareness 101.
If all else fails, maybe we need to trap Gwyneth in a room and make her read all of her interviews, cookbooks, and GOOP newsletters. Then make her read every single comment every single person on the internet has had about each of these things. Self-awareness is key in not repeating these mistakes, and it’s the only real solution to getting people to like her again. Also, the reviews of her latest cookbook were just plain hilarious.
(Lead GIF: Tumblr)