I know I can come off as harsh toward celebrities, but I promise I really do know how to give kudos as well. There are a ton of people out there who I really respect and think are incredibly talented, and you’d probably be surprised how much I talk about them.
For example, I can think of a bunch of really skilled singers whose music and voices I love, and whose careers I really admire. People who always knock it out of the park whether they’re recording an album or singing a capella or performing live.
But…you won’t see me writing about them today, because the fact remains that it’s much more fun and interesting to talk about the artists who don’t have that stuff going for them. They may be rich and famous and beautiful and I may even like their music, but oh boy oh boy oh boy should they not be singing live. Because then the whole illusion is shattered and all their loyal fans realize that they’re just auto-tuned eye candy who can dance around in fancy outfits and crank out a good hook on the reg.
No shame in that, right? I have as many of the artists to follow on my guilty pleasure mix as you do…I’m just aware of their limitations. Sorry not sorry.
1. Katy Perry
Girl can put together a mean cupcake-themed outfit, and to be fair, I’ve never known someone who’s been able to pull off releasing the same melody quite as many times while changing up the lyrics and titles and calling them different songs. But that said, maybe keep it in the studio, Katy. John Mayer does enough live-singing-faces for the both of you.
2. Selena Gomez
Selena is totally a triple threat, as long as the threats are 1. being pretty, 2. dressing well, and 3. putting up with Justin Bieber. No more live-singing please.
3. Robin Thicke
Anyone with as many gimmicks as Robin is hiding something, and in this case it’s not whatever confusing agreement he has with his wife Paula Patton that lets him put his peen on Miley Cyrus. It’s the fact that he’s honestly not the greatest singer.
4. Taylor Swift
She’s an excellent songwriter, and she commands the loyalty of fans like none other, but if you really listen to her music, Taylor’s songs are pretty one-note because she doesn’t have a ton of range, and she’s helped a lot by in-studio tricks.
5. Britney Spears
Let’s not try to argue with me over this one, mmmkay? Brit is the OG of sounding a million times better on her album than she does in person…and she doesn’t even sound that solid on her albums.
6. Miley Cyrus
I love me some Bangerz, which is why I’d be perfectly contented if she just lipsynced along with that for the rest of her life, to spare us from any future mediocre live versions. Although I will say I was surprised by how well she did with ‘Wrecking Ball’ on Saturday Night Live, so who knows.
Another woman with more hits than I can count, Rihanna should mostly just keep it in the studio because she apparently can’t be trusted to show up to her own concerts. And even when she does, her voice is worn out sometimes. So save it, lady. We already have all eight thousand of your albums.
8. Lady Gaga
No. No no no no. You blew it long ago, Lady Gaga. Your performances now are less about singing and more about hatching out of an egg while on fire. Pass. Definite pass.
9. Justin Bieber
Bring on the hate mail, but ever since this dude’s voice cracked, he can’t really sing. That’s probably part of why he’s acting out so hard.
I have nothing but respect for Ke$ha, seriously. The woman has made a career out of doing whatever the eff she wants with songs that are in no way difficult to sing. She’s smarter than all of us put together, and the sooner you admit that, the better.