• Tue, Nov 12 - 1:49 pm ET

We Regret To Inform You That Apparently Justin Bieber Has A Big ‘Ol Dick

Justin Bieber embarrassing GIF (via)

If you’re anything like me, you could have gone the rest of your life without knowing one single thing about Justin Bieber‘s penis and the ways in which he utilizes it, but unfortunately that is not to be. Tati Neves — the woman who filmed Justin sleeping has a thing or two to say about his man-bits — and she doesn’t care who hears it.

She gave an extensive interview to The Sun, and among other things, she’s been able to burn the indelible image of Bieber’s wiener on my eyelids in the worst way possible — by telling me it’s big and that he uses it to excel in bed:

“Take it from me, he’s well endowed — and very good in bed. A man must know what to do to make me happy — Justin did all that and more.”

See, I wish I didn’t know that. Since it hasn’t been confirmed that twenty-seven year old Tati is a prostitute, I was hoping that maybe she just watched him sleep all night, stroking his hair while he ate milk and cookies in bed, which Scooter never lets him do. That’s an image of J-Biebs that I’m comfortable with. What I’m not comfortable with is the thought of him naked and jack-rabbiting around inside and atop a Brazilian body-builder.

Justin Bieber winking GIF(via)

She says she first met him at a club called Zax in Rio de Janeiro where a member of his entourage apparently approached her to join his ten-person chicken nugget party back at the hotel. She agreed, and in no time at all, Justin had approached her for a flirtation session that makes my eyes roll involuntarily.

“He moved in close and nuzzled into my neck, then kissed me gently just below my ear. He only had eyes for me. He said, ‘Mmm, I’d love to see you in a bikini.’”

Wow, what a line. Really pulling out all the stops there. Yes that’s right, folks — in Justin Bieber’s wildest dreams, the women aren’t naked…they’re wearing bikinis. Apparently the line worked for Tati, though, because she says she went to bed with him soon after that, and it was so great and the best and she loved it:

“It was one of the best moments in my life. It was marvelous and unforgettable. He has quite a fit body and he looked great naked.”

Well, if Justin really did pay for sex, like so many people are alleging, I hope he threw in a few extra thousand for those compliments too. That’s the only thing that explains how he got them.

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  • Jill O’Rourke

    Are we sure these quotes weren’t taken from a random Belieber’s fanfic?

  • fantasymother

    Finally, an explanation for those pants! He has to roll it up and tie it in a knot and stuff it into those diaper pants.

    It also explains why he slouches and walks like an ape. That’s lots of weight up front. I’d suggest that, for medical reasons – and to save his back – castration is in order. He can still please those whor… er… women just fine.

    :-)

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      He can tie it in a knot, he can tie it in a bow, he can throw it over his shoulder like a continental soldier cause his peeeeeen hannnnnngs lowwwww.

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  • Mark O’Conell

    Oopsie girls,but bieb’s gf, selena, admitted to his… huuh…. ”penile incapacity”, i could take sel and still claim to have taken more of her than JB. One inch isn’t much, kekekekeke

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      What just happened.