(Photo: Lucky Magazine)
We’ve all seen Kerry Washington before, right guys? We remember that she’s one of the most beautiful women on the planet, with beautiful skin and hair and eyes and pores and lips and teeth and features and I could go on! We know this because we see her face zoomed in on within an inch of its life on Scandal every week. But even though I know that, I immediately forgot it when I saw the human being that Lucky Magazine put on the cover of their December 2013 / January 2014 issue.
I’m told that this creature is Kerry Washington, but I find no proof of that fact in the image itself. Surely magazine editors have better things to do than to waste their Photoshop on faces like Kerry’s. She’s like a walking ad for airbrushing. Her skin is naturally hit by highlights as if she’s followed around by her own personal sunbeams and a parade of magical forest creatures who lift up her dress so her train doesn’t get dirty. She’s like a literal Disney princess come to life, so WHY ARE WE PHOTOSHOPPING THIS FACE STOP PHOTOSHOPPING IT.
And if we are dead set on Photoshopping it, then why are we doing it so poorly? And so aggressively? And so to smithereens? Why are we styling this strange snow creature like it’s 1999? Who has been saving that frosty pink lipstick all these years and why didn’t they exercise any control over the itchy trigger finger on that ceramic straightener? Who put all the brightener under her eyeballs, and gave her five o’clock shadow starting in the middle of her nose? Who took out her regular face and put in a long horse one instead? And squinted her eyes down? And made it look like she’s saying ‘heeuughhhh? And gave her a pashmina? And inserted a terror mouth? WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?
It’s just that I don’t understand how this even happened. There had to have been a face double here, because there’s no way that someone off-roaded hard enough on Kerry Washington’s real features to create this demon on their own. There had to be some other face they were using as inspiration. To prove my point, here is the real Kerry. The alive one, who lives in the world and doesn’t haunt my fever dreams:
(Photo: PNP / WENN.com)
Oh there she is! Look at the human expression in her eyes! And the realistic emotions on her face! She is a Happy Kerry! And then look back at the Kerry on the Lucky cover. That is a Sated Kerry, who has just gobbled up the real Kerry and scattered her bones and is now wearing her as a skin suit. I will accept no other explanation.