As a writer of sorts, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be a part of the creative team behind a television show. After all, this is the “golden age of television” – according to every single person who attended the Emmys this year, so one would assume that creative genius would be flowing like Fiji water when one thinks of the production of all television shows that aren’t reality-based. Not so fast, according to @NetworkNotes, the latest amazing Twitter account. This account has been posting for awhile, but has just now gotten some real momentum.
@TvNetworkNotes, which has apparently been verified as legit, collects comments and notes made by TV execs behind several television networks. By keeping these comments anonymous enough, we’re left to enjoy the laughably idiotic thoughts conceived by television execs who probably make more money per year than the last three Powerball winners combined.
Lose the shot of the bunny giving head to the rooster in the bear-bunny-rooster threesome. – Spike
— Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) February 22, 2011
Okay, I haven’t ever actually watched the Spike network… but now I think I absolutely must.
“Has the DP ever lit lesbians before? It’s important that the cinematographer have experience in this.” – HBO (pre-production) — Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) February 21, 2011
If you are someone who lists “expert casting lesbians in the perfect glow” under “skills” on your resume, I need to meet you immediately.
“The suicide scene is too dark.” – Lifetime — Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) February 28, 2011
The notes from the Lifetime network are undoubtedly my favorite.
“We want something completely over the top that feels real.” – TruTV
— Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) March 1, 2011
Hyperbole? On TruTV? Nahhhhhh.
“You cannot show a clip of Somethin’ pooping on the floor of the mansion. It’s too crass.” – VH1
— Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) March 4, 2011
I know what they’re talking about here happened a long time ago, but I know I’ll never forget watching this clip on The Soup because it’s forever burned in my memory.
“No one in America knows or cares what time it is in that part of the world. Just make it daytime.” – Lifetime — Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) March 9, 2011
What is so utterly sad about this statement is that it’s truthful.
“We still need the battles overall to be cut…almost with a Quentin Tarantino-esque sensibility” – Oxygen — Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) March 15, 2011
Because when I think of the Oxygen network, the bloody, gory gunshot scenes set to classic rock music immediately come to mind.
“We want them to come off as bimbos, but don’t make them look stupid.” – E!
— Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) June 9, 2011
This could reference pretty much anything on the E! network, from Keeping Up With The Kardashians to their painfully awkward red carpet hosts. Your guess is as good as mine.
“Dwarves have done very well for us in prime time.” – TLC
— Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) January 9, 2012
I sincerely hope I don’t have to point out what’s wrong with this sentence. Do I? Do I?!
“Our audience is walking around the house doing chores so you can’t just use shots, you have to actually ‘say it.’” – E! — Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) August 27, 2012
I love this one, because I actually respect the E! network’s self-awareness here. They really know their audience – the people who aren’t really watching or focusing on their programs in any way because they’re looking for background noise while the fold laundry. Perfect.
“We dont want boring Jesus Christ. What we really need to do is rock-and-roll Jesus Christ. Up the pace a bit.” – National Geographic — Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) January 31, 2013
National Geographic, the co-sponsors of Broadway’s latest revival of Jesus Christ Superstar.
“I’ve discovered the secret to hit comedies: one word titles. Think about it…Seinfeld, The Office, The Cosby Show..” – ABC
— Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) February 12, 2013
Oh boy. Yeah, that’s it, ABC. Good boy. *pats head*
“Can we swap out the joke making fun of Kim Kardashian for someone else? Our audience likes her. The Jon Gosselin joke is great!” – MTV
— Network Notes (@TvNetworkNotes) April 5, 2013
Hahahahaha. Yeah, I can totally see how the people who avidly watch Teen Mom and Snooki walking around in slippers would take Kim Kardashian seriously. The last thing you’d want to do is insult your audience, MTV!
In all seriousness, I hope this Twitter account sticks around for awhile and gains more followers. I’m just dying to know what Jon Hamm‘s penis has to say about the way things work on the set of Mad Men.