Kids these days, am I right? They do the darndest things, famous ones especially. I mean am I right? If they aren’t having hyphenated names like those Jolie-Pitts or getting estranged from their parents at age fifteen like Jaden Smith, they’re trying to feed goddamn leftover pasta to a stone man. WHERE WILL IT END.
Yesterday, Katie Holmes took her daughter Suri Cruise to an aquarium in South Africa and — no, you know what? I’m not gonna let shoddy research stand in the way of the most brilliant exposé of the year, so let me make sure I get my facts straight. Katie is currently in South Africa filming The Giver with her new best pal Taylor Swift, and she took Suri to the Two Oceans Aquarium in Cape Town, where the two ate a pasta lunch outdoors. And then it happened, you guys. Suri did the darnedest thing, just like kids are wont to do.
SHE TRIED TO FEED HER PASTA LEFTOVERS TO A STATUE. And not just any statue…a former president of South Africa, F.W. de Klerk. He might be hungry from ending apartheid, except for the fact that HE’S A STATUE. He is not hungry because he cannot eat! Like, I can’t even believe I have to say this right now, but statues do not eat al fresco pasta, Suri Cruise. They don’t eat anything. You’re living in a dream world, girl — wake up.
And this wouldn’t even be that big of a deal, it’s just that it’s totally a gateway pursuit. She’s already flipping off the paparazzi, so things are escalating quickly. First you’re feeding nibbles to statues, then they’re taking it, then you’re asking them to tea and they’re politely refusing, and then you’re taking up residence in Madame Tussaud’s because you can’t bear to be away from your biddies, strolling amongst them at night, stroking their hair and giving them dry beans out of your pockets and telling them hush hush hush because mummy knows best.
All I’m saying is be careful. F.W. de Klerk only wants one thing, and it’s your