A couple of months ago I gave you a list of women’s careers Lifetime movies couldn’t get enough of. At the time I wasn’t really considering all the various men’s careers that these films constantly refer to. That was before I watched Sins of the Preacher and The Preacher’s Mistress within two months of each other and realized how much Lifetime has against preachers. So I thought about all the other jobs Lifetime guys have. If your boyfriend does any of these things for a living, watch out. He might not be who you thought he was. (He never is.)
1. Evil Preachers
This is a good place to start since it inspired the post. Despite what you may think, preachers don’t always practice what they preach (badum bum!). Sometimes they have affairs and kill their wives and use serving God as an excuse for why they have to stay out late at night. It helps if they make their sermons super creepy to the point where you don’t understand how no one stands up and screams “You’re evil!”
2. Absent Fathers
If you have a Lifetime movie about a teenager, odds are very high that there is no father there. Either the dad is dead or he abandoned the family or he’s just away on a business trip in China and can’t get a flight out within the film’s two hour runtime, like in Gone Missing. But the best kind of absent father is the one who stalks his family like a creeper. Hidden Away is a prime example. “Aww, hey dad, I didn’t see you lurking over there. Long time no see! So that’s what you look like.”
Murderer is a popular choice of career among both men and women in Lifetime movies. Okay, so it’s not really a career, per se, in that they don’t get paid for it (unless inheritance and/or life insurance is involved), but they take it just as seriously as they take a career. The difference for the men is that they don’t have as much past trauma driving them to homicide. Sometimes these killers are based on real people, in which case their name will probably be preceded by a colon in the title. Sometimes they’re just “inspired by true events,” which means that people murder each other sometimes and therefore this isn’t fiction.
4. Private Investigators
This is another extremely popular career choice that I’ve been noticing lately. Sometimes they’re minor characters who are used to finally do a background check on that nanny or restaurant hostess the protagonist hired without knowing they’re psychotic. Other times, like in The Preacher’s Mistress, they’re a more integral part of the plot and might end up saving the day and hooking up with the protagonist they spent the movie spying on. How romantic.
5. Hot Cops
For every ponytailed lady cop whom nobody takes seriously, there’s a hot man cop waiting to hook up with her. They’ll probably engage in some witty banter before having sex next to a fire. And then the hot cop will inevitably turn out to be crooked and try to kill the ponytailed lady cop. Except sometimes the lady cop is actually a lady psychologist, like in The Toyman Killer. Same difference. Will she ever find a man who won’t try to murder her?
6. Santa Clauses
Lifetime looooves Christmas movies. So much so that they’re showing one this very weekend. As far as I can tell Santa Claus doesn’t star in it, but he coming. Oh yeah, he’s coming. Down the chimney to be exact. The Santas in Lifetime movies are very busy guys. I never realized until I watched Lifetime movies how many boyfriends Santa has to deliver to lonely single moms every Christmas Eve. The more you know.
7. Generic Businessmen
Just like Lifetime’s single moms have nonspecific businessy jobs, so do Lifetime’s evil boyfriends. If he’s very rich but you don’t exactly know what he does for a living because he refuses to specify, be afraid. Be very afraid. He’s probably going to kidnap you or murder you or stalk you. Run very far away.
So based on this list, I’m assuming that the only guys it’s safe to date are baristas and lion tamers. And maybe a couple other careers. But watch out for them too. You know what, just don’t date anyone with a job. That’s safer.
(Lead Photo: Lifetime)