• Thu, Nov 7 - 12:22 pm ET

Robert Pattinson Refused To Hook Up With 3 Women Who Wanted Him, So Please Raise All The Red Flags

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If you’re into shocking Robert Pattinson news that’s capable of blowing your mind, you’re going to want to keep reading this article. Because what I’m about to say is so shocking and so mind-blowing that you’re going to accuse me of being a liar. The kind who runs around with her pants on fire. So get ready, well as ready as you can be for what I’m going to say.

Robert Pattinson turned down free sex. THREE DIFFERENT VARIETIES OF FREE SEX. I know, it’s crazy. A man turning down sex? Where are we? Trapped inside the pages of Sideways Stories from Wayside School? As always, the not-at-all-Robsten-obsessed Hollywood Life has all the news on this crazyness in an article called, “Robert Pattinson Blows Off Three Blondes For Kristen Stewart.”

“He was bombarded by three hot blondes,” our on-the-scene source confirms. “One was doing everything to get him.  She tried his jacket on, sipped his vodka soda and flirted hard. He blew her and the rest off pretty quickly.”

Okay first of all, let’s give a round of applause to hot blonde #1 for really going all out. If there’s anything else she could’ve done to get him, I don’t know what it is. Maybe tried on his pants? Put her fist into his vodka soda? Giving him a hand job at the table? I don’t know guys. It honestly sounds like she put her best foot forward and Rob just wasn’t into stranger sex. Which, I’ll say again is really coo coo for cocoa puffs.

It’s just like, I don’t get it. I know he’s a celebrity who’s bombarded by strangers all the time who want to be with him for various selfish reasons, but turning down three hot blondes just seems like a cry for help. Robert, sweetie, honey, we’re listening — what can we do to make you understand that no amount of fame will ever make it okay to turn down hot, young blondes. Help us help you!

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  • Alexis Rhiannon

    I will try all of your flirting tactics on my next bar night out. But obviously drink-fisting is a last resort.

    • Misenhammer

      Really? I usually start with that. Hasn’t let me down yet.

  • Ti-10

    Pattinson isn’t being honest, guys never turn down an under the table hand job…

  • Pool

    Better have sex with someone you know than with a free hooker

  • Gennifer

    Wow, he’s not interested in getting STD’s from randoms! Sounds like he’s not as stupid as the author of this drivel.