As much as I hate to come in like a wrecking ball, I do have to inform you that you are old. You know how I know you’re old. Because when someone says “Abigail Breslin” to you, you picture her in Raising Helen:
Or Little Miss Sunshine:
You do not picture her making out with a 25-year-old man who she refers to as her “boyfriend.” But alas, that’s what’s happening with her now. The Ender’s Game star’s currently dating Jack Barakat from the band, All Time Low. And yes, I also just heard about All Time Low today. Mere moments ago, I thought “all time low” simply referenced how you felt after soberly binge-eating an entire block of cheese.
“I’m at an all time low,” I texted my friend on Saturday morning after realizing that what started as a quick slice of cheese had turned into several slices of cheese.
While we don’t know much else about Jack Barakat, we do know that he’s robbing us of our youth by dating Abigail Breslin. If everything had gone according to plan, she’d have remained young forever and for always. It’s bad enough that Dakota Fanning had to go and grow up. Do we have to lose Abigail too? Can’t some child stars just stay child stars? If not for the career opportunities that it would provide them, then for the solace it would provide us?
Ugh, the passage of time, when you think about it, it’s really just so ridiculous.