Only the most special people in the world have the opportunity to become A-listers in Hollywood; everyone else has to settle for B- through D-List status. It’s the harsh reality of show business and the Courtney Stoddens of the world just have to accept it and deal with it in as scandalous a way as possible. Because there are only a limited number of things that you can do to get people to give you attention before they lose interest and find another hot topic to trend on Twitter. And everyone knows that that happens once every 15 minutes. Or, at least, so says the ancient celebrity blogger proverb: he or she who hath done anything for fame shall last a mere quarter hour. So, there you have it; the gossip gods have spoken.
It’s always really important to keep up with the fame cycle of a person who you think will be soon forgotten about for a lot of reasons. Maybe you want to buy them a parting gift, or maybe you’re making a stage play of their life and you need to know where to insert the intermission. I’m not going to judge you for your reasons; I’m just here to help you figure it all out, you know? Because, no matter who the person is or what they’re famous for, these 15 things happen during every celebutante’s lifetime.
1. They’ll make sure to say only shocking things to the media.
Duh, rule number one, don’t even think twice about it.
2. They’ll forget clothes are even a thing.
Well, are they even a thing? Maybe we’re all wrong, here. They could be onto something.
3. They’ll get a reality show.
A reality show really only going to prolongs your life span as a famous person by a teensy tiny amount. But, as long as there are TLC and E! cameras to follow them around, they’ll keep signing on to do them. (And I will keep watching them, sorry not sorry.)
4. They’ll get a ton of plastic surgery.
I’m not personally against going under the knife if it makes you feel better. All I’m saying is that if you want to spot an D-list celeb, just snoop around some plastic surgeon offices.
5. They’ll make a famous BFF.
You know what they say, two people grasping at the final fibers of their famousness are better than one. They say that, right?
6. They’ll get spoofed on Saturday Night Live.
It’s SNL’s job to spoof topical things in pop culture and, since during someone’s 15 minutes of fame, they essentially are pop culture, they’re blessed with being made fun of on the show.
7. They’ll get their own meme.
Remember Ridiculously Photogenic Guy? Or Grumpy Cat? Those count as 15 minutes of fame, too!
8. They’ll try to have a music career.
Heey, Paris Hilton, girl. How ya doin’? How’s YMCMB treating you these days? Write back soon, you hear!
9. They’ll try to have an acting career.
Literally any career path that will have them, they’re down for it. Why, yes I would like to be in this random movie, thank you very much for offering it to me in an attempt to draw viewers. You are so very sweet.
10. They’ll be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars.
Where the stars go to burn out slowly and with no one watching.
11. They’ll pretend to hate the paparazzi.
When everyone knows that being followed by the paps is their lifeblood.
12. They’ll have a sex tape “leaked”.
Classic 15 minute of fame-r thing to do, I’m telling you. From your Paris Hilton to you Farrah Abraham, and with a little bit of “leaked” nude photos sprinkled throughout, and you’ve got yourself a celeb who’s trying hard to stay relevant.
13. They’ll have high-profile relationship drama.
Usually it’s because their partner can’t take their insane lack of privacy. Or sometimes it’s because they found that partner on a reality show. It can go either way.
14. They’ll have high-profile family drama.
Mostly because families always have drama, but we just get treated to theirs because they feud so publicly.
15. They’ll fade away into obscurity.
Until two years later, when someone asks, “Hey, whatever happened to _____?”
And there you have it, folks.