As tragic as I’m sure it feels to some of you that the Jonas Brothers have broken up, I personally am enjoying the hell out of it, because it proves that we here at Crushable are geniuses. We’ve been saying for months now that something was going on in the band, and watching them deteriorate so rapidly in front of our eyes is the best kind of ‘I told you so’. It also helps that I never really cared for their music.
But now that their tour is abruptly canceled, their Twitter account is deleted, and the group officially disbanded, it’s time to get down to business. What really happened there, fellas? We have a lot of different theories that you’ve been having a fun time denying, but at some point you need to start confirming some of them so we know what the eff is going on. I’ll let you take the floor first, Nick Jonas. No euphemisms, just give me the down and dirty about why you guys broke up:
“About a month or two before the tour, I had concerns about the group, which I never really had an opportunity to address. I was feeling kind of trapped, and I needed to share my heart with my brothers.”
Okay but wait. That doesn’t mean anything. You had to share your heart with your brothers? Then what was possibly so big in your heart that required you to cancel a tour that you’d already sold tickets for and cease production on an album that you’d already recorded multiple tracks for. A couple of which you even released!
Was it the fact that Joe Jonas is rumored to be on drugs? You can say if it is. I mean you can tell us. Radar Online sure has, citing an insider who said:
“[Joe's] secret drug addiction was the real reason behind the split. He’s been dealing with substance abuse issues for quite some time, [and] the tour would have never survived with how Joe was behaving.”
Well now we’re getting somewhere! Any response, JoBros?
“We don’t say anything for two or three weeks, and I’m [being called] a drug addict! It’s obviously not true. It’s hilarious but frustrating as well. It’s so dumb.”
That’s a lot of adjectives to fire at just one rumor, Joe! And you didn’t leave any left for the rumor that you still have a sex tape out there somewhere with Blanda Eggenschwiler and the fact that you were seen out with an addiction specialist. I guess we’re just not gonna talk about that.
Well nevermind, maybe Kevin Jonas can clear all this up. I’d pretty comfortable blaming the break up on Blanda and Kevin’s wife Danielle Jonas, who is alleged by blind gossip sites to be faking her pregnancy. That’s gotta be a pretty stressful situation, right? Could they be the reason for the deep rift? Kevin??
“It had nothing to do with them.”
Well goddamnit it, guys! What the hell? You gotta give me something here! Life can’t just be an endless stretch of appearing on Good Morning America and saying absolutely nothing of any substance about why things aren’t working out. I mean watch for yourself, it’s an empty cavern of echoing euphemisms like ‘sharing my heart with my brothers’.
“This is about bandmates and brothers. We understand [the fans'] disappointment. But hopefully one of the things they loved about us is that we’re a family first. That’s the priority.”
Okay but…you also just acknowledged that you’re all going to keep making music, just separately. Not together. Not as a family. So maybe you want to adjust that quote to ‘family second’? Just lookin’ out.