Look, over there! A figure emerges from the mist, come to challenge Zooey Deschanel for the title of Most Photoshopped Celebrity. I can’t tell who it is because most of her features have been blurred out and her organs removed, but based on her absurd answers to interview questions, I think it has to be Lady Gaga, hatched out of her egg to come terrify us on magazine covers.
And one magazine cover in particular — Glamour‘s December 2013 edition, which names Gaga as one of its Women Of The Year. The quotes are Gaga nonsense to the core, but I barely recognize the woman staring out at me from the cover. Sure, her face is a little wonky and smoothed over in ways I can’t identify, but we’ve been here before. She’s no stranger to the Photoshop scene. But my biggest beef this time is with her waist. Mostly because WHERE IS THE REST OF IT.
Either Lady Gaga is a secret Disney Princess with impossible features and proportions, or someone got a little crazy with the slimming-down feature in Photoshop. And I’m inclined to believe it’s the second one, given the fact that the space created by her right arm connecting back to her hip is a perfect rectangle. It looks like someone in the editing room just Photoshopped an iPhone into the crook of her arm and called it a day. Seriously, take a look at it. Once you see the rectangle shape for the first time it’s all your eyes can absorb.
“If there was some sort of mathematical equation for beauty, I donâ€™t know if I would be the algorithm. Iâ€™ve always been OK with that. Iâ€™m not a supermodel. Thatâ€™s not what I do. What I do is music. I want my fans to feel the way I do, to know what they have to offer is just as important, more important, than whatâ€™s happening on the outside.”
Did you catch that? Whatever she has to offer from the inside is just as important as the Photoshop on the outside. So come one, come all, to see the Woman Of The Year, perfect in every way, untouched by time or blemish or reality in any of its forms, glimmering there on the cover like some sort of Art Barbie, now and forever.