• Tue, Oct 29 - 10:14 am ET

The Jonas Brothers Break Up Just In Time To Make Thanksgiving Awkward

The Jonas Brothers running from ostriches

Just when I just started accepting the fact that the JoBros weren’t wearing their purity rings anymore, they go and break up. That’s right folks. The Jonas Brothers are over. Forever. And Ever. Well at least until they’re all in their 40s and decide to go on a reunion tour to recapture the excitement of their youth. But until then, they’re dunzo.

While bands break up all the time, they usually wait until after their scheduled tour to do so. Mostly because there’s money and tickets and contracts involved. But these boys got so excited to never see each other again that they just couldn’t wait. So they canceled their tour, deleted their Twitter account and called the media to tell them the good news.

“We’ll never have to see each other again!” JoBroJoe yelled triumphantly as JoBroNick picked up the phone and started to dial the number for People.

“We’re still brothers,” muttered JoBroNick, shaking his head at JoBroJoe’s inability to grasp that.

As JoBroNick spoke to People, you could allegedly hear JoBroKevin pleading with this Momager and Dadager in the background. “Please,” he sobbed loudly, “don’t send me home to that Danielle lady. She keeps lip-kissing me.”

JoBroNick, a man who’s clearly use to his brother’s attempts to end his indentured husbandtude, attempted to speak over JoBroKevin’s sobs and make sure that that People understood that this wasn’t a break, but a real break-up. In a statement that makes less and less sense every time you read it, he says:

“I was feeling kind of trapped,” he said. “I needed to share my heart with my brothers.”

While I can totally understand that performing with your family for years on end can make you feel trapped, you can’t de-trap yourself by imploding from within.  I mean you can, because that’s what they’re doing. But I’ve watched enough Scandal to know that this is most definitely not how you handle it. Then again the fact that they are handing it like this proves that there’s a lot more happening behind the scenes that we can even begin to imagine. So whether you’re a former fan of the JoBros or a current fan of drama, there’s something in this story for everyone. May we spend the rest of the year reading leaked details about their split and finding out what “sharing my heart with my brothers” really means.


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