The autumn winds may bring in yellowing leaves and the outdated rage over pumpkin spice, but they also bring the scent of something slightly less familiar on the air. What is that I smell? Is it…B-list celebrity? Or is it even C-list? It’s hard to tell from this distance, considering the aroma is coming all the way from Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood, California, but it definitely has the reek of desperation.
Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch is a place where, once a year around this time, a Halloweentown springs up with a face-painting station, bounce houses, a petting zoo, snacks, pony rides, and a paparazzi pen. Yup, you heard me right. A paparazzi pen. This place is so popular with pseudo-celebrities that there’s an actual walled-off area where photographers stand around jostling each other all day in hopes of getting the perfect shot.
In short, it’s the perfect place for a celebrity who constantly demurs about not wanting to be in the spotlight, to bring their kid for an opportunity to do exactly that. The B-Listers know that the paparazzi will be there, and the paparazzi knows that the B-Listers will be there. And maybe and A-Lister every so often too, just to keep things worthwhile. What I’m saying is that it’s a mutually beneficial relationship, and everyone knows what they’re getting into.
So without further ado, I present to you, all the celebrities desperate enough for attention to show up at Mr. Bones’ this year and pay $40 for a run-of-the-mill pumpkin. I’m sure they’re the kind of magical gourds that you just can’t get anywhere else.
1. Olivier Martinez
At least Halle Berry had the good sense to send her less-famous husband Olivier with Nahla to get her face painted, while she stayed home with new baby Maceo.
2. Molly Sims
Well hello miss! I haven’t seen you around in ages! And what an excellent opportunity to premiere that gloriously Halloween-esque sweater on your son Brooks.
3. Pete Wentz
Ah yes, Pete Wentz, I imagine you and Ashlee Simpson both have some catching up to do, celebrity-wise, now that neither of you is famous and your kid is still named Bronx Mowgli.
4. Jessica Alba
Jessica is such a Mr. Bones mainstay at this point that she actually went two days in a row. Even her daughter Honor has perfected her paparazzi response face.
6. Kristin Cavallari
Kristin hasn’t been famous since The Hills, but that didn’t stop her from carting her son Camden around at Mr. Bones all day! And it looks like she got a blowout just for the occasion. True Halloween spirit.
7. Tia Mowry
Oh Tia. I’ll give you props for dressing your son Cree in a costume to bring him at least, but the both of you are just so excited to see the cameras.
8. Mark Wahlberg
Mark! What? No! You’re way too famous to be here! What are you doing here? How did you get in? I guess when you have four kids — Ella, Michael, Brendan, and Grace — they can outvote you and get you to take them wherever they want.
10. Paris Hilton
GIRL YOU DO NOT EVEN HAVE A KID. Why do you need a pumpkin?
11. Ali Larter
I do have to give Ali credit for wearing a tasteful fall hat while playing with her son Theodore.
12. Rob Corddry
I actually really like Rob, so I won’t give him too much crap. (I’m a hypocrite, what can I say?)
13. Johnny Galecki
Another lad and lady without a kid between ‘em. Oh and what a great new way to publicize a new relationship! That’s Kelli Garner, and if she and Johnny were dating before this magical pumpkin moment, I never heard about it.
14. Rachel Zoe
There’s Rachel Zoe and her son Skyler in his favorite oatmeal frock and jaunty cap!
15. Salma Hayek
My god, Salma! You are famous as well! I never dreamed I’d see your and Valentina‘s little faces gracing this patch of pumpkins.
16. Sandra Bullock…ish
This is how you do it, folks. When you’re a famous parent like Sandra Bullock and your kid Louis wants to go to Mr. Bones, you send him with a nanny to avoid as much hubbub as possible. She’s a genius.