• Thu, Oct 24 - 5:07 pm ET

We Cast The Little Women Remake With The Worst Case Scenario

Christian Bale as Laurie Little Women(via)

By now you’ve probably heard that someone, somewhere decided that we needed to remake Little Womenone of the most purely wonderful movies ever made, according to SCIENCE. I guess it’s been done a bunch of times, but the specific model of perfect that I’m referring to came out in 1994, and it starred a whole lot of women who are not only still alive, but still acting. Like, even still look similar to the age that they played back then. Must we really redo this right now? Can’t we give it a few more years before we try to squeeze more money out of it?

Am I being cynical? Yes. This remake could end up being the best thing ever, and how would I know? We can’t always cling to the past, I get it! But deep down in my core, I firmly believe that any attempt to redo this move will end in failure. But since I’m pretty much helpless in this situation, the only weapon I have to fight this impending doom is my superstitious nature. And that nature tells me that if I voice the worst case scenario out loud before anyone else does, it won’t come true. It can’t come true. At least I hope not, because as you’re about to see, if things go bad, they could go really bad.

ANNE HATHAWAY as MEG MARCH

Anne Hathaway Look

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You might say she’s too old for the role, but that’s never stopped an actress hungry for a meaty character in the past. Anne would sniff this out so quickly your head would spin, and somehow get an Oscar for the least interesting character in the whole book.

MILEY CYRUS as JOSEPHINE MARCH

Miley Cyrus Kiss

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You know Jo, she’s like a rebel and stuff. She like, knows who she is and doesn’t let anybody get in the way of that. Who better worse to play her than the queen of controversy herself? And the way things are going so far with talents like Anne and Miley, we could make this a musical version yet!

KRISTEN STEWART as BETH MARCH

Kristen Stewart Hair Touch

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It’s just better at this point to cast K-Stew as someone who is dead or dying, so she doesn’t accidentally pull a muscle trying to act or something. Let’s just prop her up against a divan or something and call it a day.

TAYLOR SWIFT as AMY MARCH

Taylor Swift Shrug

(via)

I think I fear this one the most, grandma. So I’m saying it extra loud in hopes that it never comes true. TAYLOR SWIFT AS AMY MARCH. TAYLOR SWIFT AS AMY MARCH. TAYLOR SWIFT AS AMY MARCH. We are none of us safe. Sleep with one eye open, friends.

LIAM HEMSWORTH as LAURIE

Liam Hemsworth The Hunger Games

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I don’t think there are any other eligible bachelors around right now, as far as Hollywood is concerned. This is probably happening whether I like it or not.

MERYL STREEP as MRS. MARCH

Meryl Streep Dancing

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Hear me out. I love Meryl, but she should not do this movie. It’s a garbage heap, and she’d be lured into it out of the goodness of her heart. It’s happened before. This is a woman who did Mamma Mia! for chrissakes. It’d be a shame for her to waste her talents again on a bit part in a celebrity circus movie. Just saying.

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  • Meg Malone

    I can already see your Miley suggestion making rounds at the Hollywood casting watercooler: “And Miley cut her hair – just like Jo! Miley has a complicated relationship with Liam – just like Jo and Laurie! LET’S CAST HER ASAP!”

    As much as everything related to this remake hurts my heart, please tell me who you’d pick as your bad casting choice for Professor Bhaer. I must know.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Gerard Butler.
      You’re gonna be so mad.

    • Meg Malone

      WHY ARE YOU A MONSTER?!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Does it smell like someone’s crying in here?

  • Jessieface

    Noooooooooo. This is my go to pms/period/I have a lot of feelings and needs to feel all the feels in the next two hours/crrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy movie. Why does it have to be ruiiiinnneeeddddd. No one will do this justice. No one. I think a lot of my irrational hatred for Kirsten Dunst comes from what a brat Amy is as a child.

    I WOULD however consider Ann hathaway for Sally Moffat

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I know. Why would they do this to me.

  • Courtney Crawford

    you know if they actually chose these guys as the actors it would be a huge seller just for their names alone

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Oh god I know.

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