By now you’ve probably heard that someone, somewhere decided that we needed to remake Little Women, one of the most purely wonderful movies ever made, according to SCIENCE. I guess it’s been done a bunch of times, but the specific model of perfect that I’m referring to came out in 1994, and it starred a whole lot of women who are not only still alive, but still acting. Like, even still look similar to the age that they played back then. Must we really redo this right now? Can’t we give it a few more years before we try to squeeze more money out of it?
Am I being cynical? Yes. This remake could end up being the best thing ever, and how would I know? We can’t always cling to the past, I get it! But deep down in my core, I firmly believe that any attempt to redo this move will end in failure. But since I’m pretty much helpless in this situation, the only weapon I have to fight this impending doom is my superstitious nature. And that nature tells me that if I voice the worst case scenario out loud before anyone else does, it won’t come true. It can’t come true. At least I hope not, because as you’re about to see, if things go bad, they could go really bad.
ANNE HATHAWAY as MEG MARCH
You might say she’s too old for the role, but that’s never stopped an actress hungry for a meaty character in the past. Anne would sniff this out so quickly your head would spin, and somehow get an Oscar for the least interesting character in the whole book.
MILEY CYRUS as JOSEPHINE MARCH
You know Jo, she’s like a rebel and stuff. She like, knows who she is and doesn’t let anybody get in the way of that. Who
better worse to play her than the queen of controversy herself? And the way things are going so far with talents like Anne and Miley, we could make this a musical version yet!
KRISTEN STEWART as BETH MARCH
It’s just better at this point to cast K-Stew as someone who is dead or dying, so she doesn’t accidentally pull a muscle trying to act or something. Let’s just prop her up against a divan or something and call it a day.
TAYLOR SWIFT as AMY MARCH
I think I fear this one the most, grandma. So I’m saying it extra loud in hopes that it never comes true. TAYLOR SWIFT AS AMY MARCH. TAYLOR SWIFT AS AMY MARCH. TAYLOR SWIFT AS AMY MARCH. We are none of us safe. Sleep with one eye open, friends.
LIAM HEMSWORTH as LAURIE
I don’t think there are any other eligible bachelors around right now, as far as Hollywood is concerned. This is probably happening whether I like it or not.
MERYL STREEP as MRS. MARCH
Hear me out. I love Meryl, but she should not do this movie. It’s a garbage heap, and she’d be lured into it out of the goodness of her heart. It’s happened before. This is a woman who did Mamma Mia! for chrissakes. It’d be a shame for her to waste her talents again on a bit part in a celebrity circus movie. Just saying.