Nothing gets me more hot and bothered than movies about wedding plans going awry. Mostly because there’s never a need for anything to go awry, let alone everything. Things only happen at the last minute in movies because people are pussies. “Oh you’re literally getting married right now, but I just decided I love you. Even though I was given ample opportunities to tell you before this, I thought I’d wait until after you’d given non-refundable deposits to several people before confessing my feelings. Is now a bad time?”
While The Wedding Planner doesn’t pull this “does anyone object during the ceremony” stunt, it pulls so many others that I just to talk to you about it right now and right here. I know, I know, it came out 12 years ago. But it’s taken me this long to gather my thoughts. So, with no further ado, here goes!
Mary (Jennifer Lopez) may introduce herself as a wedding planner, but it’s clear she’s actually a wedding ruiner. How else do you explain the fact that Fran Donolly (Bridgette Wilson) and Steve Edison (Matthew McConaughey) broke up as soon as she started working with them. I mean, we’re talking about a couple that’s so in love that they were GOING TO GET MARRIED. Then suddenly, a few days after starting to work with Mary and they’re rethinking if they’re right for each other. Is it a coincidence that these thoughts start to come to the surface after Steve and Mary spend all their wedding planning sessions eye-effing the ish out of each other?! I think not.
And guys, I know. It’s not Mary’s fault that she fell in love with Steve when he saved her life. It’s hard to not get turned on when a guy goes the extra mile and does something like that for you. But it is her professional obligation to inform Fran that she’d met Steve before their initial wedding planning meeting. AND that he’d almost kissed her on their kinda date. While that’s definitely an uncomfortable conversation to have, it’s kind of a necessary one. Also Mary, slow your roll. If he almost-cheated on Fran (his fiance!), he’d no doubt almost cheat on you one day too. Also how do you explain how you met to future clients? No really, how? “We met when I was planning his wedding to someone else?” Pray tell, how well will that go over in your brochure?
And while we’re on the topic of things that I would like people to pray tell — Mary’s father. WTF man, why is he so obsessed with his daughter getting married. It’s not like she’s some lonely old spinster whittling her day away in the attic. She’s (supposedly) a successful wedding planner who’s working hard to become a partner at her company. But he’s all like, “I need to set you up with this overexcitable guy named Massimo.” And Mary’s all like, “Daaaadddd, staaaahppp, I don’t like him.” And her dad is all like, “I’m doing this because I love you!” And Mary is all like, “uh Dad, this isn’t love. It’s some weird patriarchal bullshit that’s not really sitting well with me.”
As people who have watched this movie 400 times know, she does go ahead and almost marry Massimo because she’s feeling sorry for herself. But her dad, who keep in mind forced this wedding in the first place, was like “on second thought Mar, don’t marry a guy you don’t love.” Then Massimo is all, “omg, I’m on the same page as your dad Mary, don’t marry me.” And then, when Mary’s on the verge of just ending it all because WTF Is her life, Steve shows up and kisses her.
Ugh, the whole thing’s just such a mess. The only thing you can really take away from it is to never hire Mary to plan your wedding.